Can you be happy but want to end your life at the same time? Have a laugh come easily, a smile form on your lips without you noticing but behind all that rooted deep inside you there is a darkness lurking. The only thing stopping it is your smile, but then when you’re alone and let your mind wander you find yourself unlocking that darkness and letting it surge through you. Then before you know it tears linger in your eyes, your heart hurts as if someone is squeezing it and its fighting to keep beating, head pounding in a matter of seconds. Soon your thoughts are ones beating yourself up, pointing out the things you hate about yourself, that you think others hate about you. You start to wonder what the hell is wrong with you. You wish that you were someone else, had their life, their looks, and their intelligence. Everyday, even though your smiling, you find yourself dragging your self through that day and dreading the next. This is exactly how i feel. I dont know what to do because im scared. Scared that if i use sleeping pills to overdose it will be painful or wont work. Scared of what it will do to my mom, i dont want her to blame herself, i dont want her to hurt. Its weird cause i dont care what my friends think at all. I dont know what to do, but i dont want to live anymore. I kind of just want it to end, to leave it all behind. But im scared. So most likely, i will go on hating myself and drag myself through yet another day.
3 comments
I know that feeling all too well. I also put on the same face and wish I was someone else. I do not know who you are or what your story is but at the same time I understand. Life is hard, but guilt is even harder. People love you, I’m sure of it and they don’t want to see you hurt. If you have something you enjoy go for it and when you are sad never forget that feeling you felt. Like I said I may not know you but you are in my thoughts.
:O …
If I hadn’t known any better I would have thought I was reading a diary entry from my journal about a year ago… Doesn’t it seem like you SHOULD be happy? I mean, you smile, right? you laugh, right? But for SOME reason, soon as you are alone, and no longer need to put up a front, all of those flaws run through your mind…every reason to live shrinks and every reason to die stretches until that is all you can see…
I know what you mean, and “friends” aren’t going to always be there, to be honest, it is only TRUE friends, and in my opinion TRUE friends can see the hurt beyond the smile, beyond the laugh, and reach out to help…
Well, I want to help, if you want to be helped, and if you want to help yourself…
Email: stolenname123@yahoo.com
Jennifer <3
This is exactly how I feel and I have no clue how it works to hate myself so much yet be able to laugh and smile with my friends so casually it seems ridiculous and I hate myself even more because of it.