I in the past wrote a post on this website entitled “Endless Future.” I am happy to tell you all, that I am still here, in this world existing as I always have, and always will. I came back, though, not to tell you I am living a wonderful life full of blessings and happiness. My life is as it always has been: darkened by the clouds of misery and misfortune. Â I enrolled in a fiction class at my local college. I have been excelling, but I came to the realization that no matter how much I enjoyed writings stories about people who don’t exist, that I will never be like them. I will never have someone tell my story for me; I will never be able to make those hard choices; I will never end every chapter of my life with a “happy ever after.” That is not the life I live, nor is it the life we all live. But I think that this realization, as much of a curse it is to realize, is a blessing. I can find closure in the fact that I choose what is to come for me; that I make every decision for myself; that as time moves forward I can move forward with it; that no slight grammatical error will ruin my passage through this life; that no torn page will end my existence; everything that happens is because of me. I don’t know why this helps me, but it does. Maybe now I understand what I need to do with my future; maybe now I realize that I can live my future the way I want to live it; maybe now things will change; but, that is only maybe.
There are events in the recent past that have brought tears to my eyes and pain to my inner being. Things that, in retrospect, could have gone different if I weren’t so over-exceedingly indecisive. In stead of overindulging you in the miseries of my poor teenage life I can explain all my current frustration in a single statement: I am losing my best friend to the love of my life.