It all sucks

  November 11th, 2009 by griks

I tried to commit suicide about 4 months ago, twice. It was a long time planning it and finally decided, i had read a lot of information from internet to find effective methods. My first choice was the exit bag, I drank an entire bottle of wine and took 40 sleeping pills, then I put a plastic bag on my head and waited to fall asleep and die from hypoxia. To my very surprise, I woke up after 12 hours with the plastic bag out and all that I had in my stomatch in the floor at my side, with a terrible headache and without remembering anything else.

My second try was the next day, with carbone monoxide. I had bought a CO detector in ebay some time ago, just in case because I read that it was the most effective method. In the late afternoon I drove my car to a lonely place in the mountain, with the CO detector, a charcoal grill and some carbon to burn. When it was really dark, I sealed all the car ventilation, started burning the carbon, turned on the CO detector and waited outside. When I saw 8.000ppm I jumped inside the car and waited for death to happen. After 20 hours of being uncounscious, the police found me I dont know how, took me out of the car and into a hospital. I survived without any injury. Well at first I was a bit shaked, I could not move at all, I was hardly feeling my body and everything hurt, but it all went away in a couple of days.

The worse part of all that was that my family found out, as they were called when they got me into the hospital, nobody understood, my parents were mad at me, when I recovered they even lock me in a mental hospital for two days where I had to lie to everyone a thousand times telling that it was a terrible mistake and I would never do that again and that I felt perfectly happy and fine, otherwise I would still be there.

I am much worse now, because I feel as bad a before plus all the shame I have to carry inside for what i have done. I have wanted to die for years and I want to die every day, I just can’t be happy. I am 29 and I seem to have a great life, I try to smile at everyone and fake that nothing is wrong with me but inside its all pain.

I dont know why the hell I am posting this, maybe its the simple human desire to share.

If I had a gun I would shot myself right now. I thought it would be easier, but after all I’ve gone through I want the next try to be the last, and I can’t think about an effective enough way to die, I dont care about the pain I just want all this to end. I know i know, life is wonderful, I need help, I will move on, there are people who love me, … I appreciate the effort but it just make me feel worse.

Nobody asked me if I wanted to live, if someone told me life was gonna be like that I had said fuck it!

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