I’m almost 17 years old, but I feel as if I’m already coming close to the end of my existence. I can’t exactly pinpoint an exact moment that I started feeling this way, so I guess I should just start from the beginning.
When I was young my father was very abusive to my mother. He was an alcoholic, she was a holy roller. She felt as if she could fix him. You can’t polish shit. I remember being very very young and watching him beat her to the ground. This continued on until they divorced the day before my 9th birthday. Most kids are really sad when their parents divorce; but I wasn’t. I was ecstatic. He was finally out of our lives. Sure enough though, she took him back, and while they weren’t married, he still sat around doing nothing but being an abusive alcoholic. Finally, after I was 12 or so, he was finally out of the picture. Around this time I began noticing that I wasn’t like most kids. I didn’t really care for things like football and what not. It’s not that I don’t like the sports, because I’m a huge Cowboys fan; I just had no interest in playing it. So I found myself immediately out of the “cool” group in junior high. I was likely perceived as a “nerd”, but in reality, I just didn’t have a “clique”. I met a few good friends in junior high that I still speak to today, but nothing monumental really. Around 8th grade though I finally found my niche; I found music. I became a part of my local metal/hardcore scene. I finally found something I was apart of. I instantly out casted myself at my school for this, but at shows I felt a sense of belonging and I met friends there. Everything was going alright I guess.
Then I met her. Quite possibly the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. It was actually kind of an accident that I found her. And a very long and confusing story. About a week before I came in contact with this girl, I made a fake myspace of my friend to talk to a girl at our school. The goal was to make her think she was talking to him, and then she would come up to him and embarrass herself. It was very mean; I know this. After doing so, I left the myspace and didn’t delete it. Well, the girl of my dreams added it. I began speaking to her through it, and I realized that I seriously was in fucking awe of her. It was like I had found the missing piece of my puzzle after years of searching, not knowing that I was looking for it. The only problem was.
She was in Canada, I’m in Texas.
Oh, and not to mention she thinks i’m somebody else.
Now I’m not unattractive, I’m actually really average looking. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or not. Anyways, after months of talking to her, and basically in a relationship. I felt like I had to tell her, and I did.
Not to my surprise, she was freaked out, hurt, upset, and pissed off. After some time however, we sorted things out. Then I knew it, I love this girl. Someone that can accept you after something like that is someone that you want to keep around. We made it work, yeah, it was difficult; but we were in love. Now, she’s about 2 and a half years older than me, but when I was 14 and she was 16; that didn’t seem like a problem. But was we got older; we began to drift apart. She became busy with things of the adult world, her future, careers, etc…Plus, the distance never really helped. It’s
approximately 1300 miles from my doorstep to hers. About 2 months ago she and I broke up because of the distance.
I feel so fucking empty. Not in the sense that I have nothing, but everything I do have falls in comparison to her. The only thing I truly ever gave a fuck about isn’t mine, and there’s nothing I can fucking do about it. I don’t feel as if killing myself is a great option, it feels like the only option. With a general lack of interest in life; I have no motivation. I’m obviously depressed but I can’t go to my mom or anyone else and talk about it. They thought the whole fucking relationship was a waste of time and never took us seriously. I know my mom is saying “I told you so” behind my back. At times, I want to kill myself just to get back at her. To show her exactly how her fucking words hurt. I want to make her hurt. The girl i’m in love with will likely break down and could possibly kill herself. As much as that fucking pains me to think of it, I can’t do anything about that. What she does is what she does. Too much damage has been done on her part, so it’s not likely it would ever be fixed. She and I still talk on the phone, but it seems so different.
And it is.
I want to take my life, not for a way out. I want a way in, I want to have some kind of control. I feel like I’ve constantly been at the mercy of others, and for once I want some power. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or even myself. I just want it to stop. I don’t self mutilate or anything like that, because I don’t want to feel pain. I want to be numb.
The girl has said to me “You won’t be happy, you’ll be dead”
And like I said, I said this to her
“I know, and that’s better than feeling anything at all”
I’m rambling, so i’m going to leave it at that.
5 comments
Long distance relationships are hard, i do know about that: 5 years ago I came to the US as part as an exhange student program and fell in love. He was everything i wanted and more but i had to go back to France. It was really hard not being able to see him everyday and talk and i was always very sad and depressed. If you think Texas and Canada is far try living across the Atlantic ocean from the one you love. Anyway, I graduated college and came back to him but it wasn’t the same, it wasn’t as it were. Sometimes the distance make you attached to someone, you idealize that person, you want them even more. But trust me this is not worth ending your life, you will meet someone (even if it feels you will not), you will have your heart broken and you will also be madly in love. Everything happens for a reason and feeling sad/pain and feeling in love is part of being human. It’s hard but when you do get what you want the reward is awesome. Sometimes you have to go through a lot of shit to find yourself and be with the person you want. And if it’s meant to be she’ll get back to you, maybe tomorrow or maybe in a few years but if you want to end your life you’ll never know. It’s better to try and be rejected than not knowing what could have happened.
Thank you for your response. I guess I should have clarified this a bit more in the post. I am basically at the point in my life where so many things have piled on top of me. For instance, what I’m going to do with myself in the future, my personal hatred towards myself for some of the things I’ve done, etc…I could go on and on. Us breaking up has been more of a trigger, and while I know it’s “wrong” to kill myself; I just don’t see many other options. I don’t have the motivation to do so. To be honest, I never really did before her. I’m pretty positive she and I will never get back together, and never would. So I guess it’s just a matter of time before I do it. I’m only biding my time because I feel as if I still have a few things to wait for. Even those will eventually pass and then i’ll be ready.
Et ce n’est pas tres souvent, j’arrive a utiliser mon francais si cela est interessant. Esperons que ma grammaire est correcte, et je suis desole si elle n’est pas.
Je vous remercie encore une fois.
‘With a general lack of interest in life; I have no motivation. I’m obviously depressed but I can’t go to my mom or anyone else and talk about it. They thought the whole fucking relationship was a waste of time and never took us seriously. I know my mom is saying “I told you so†behind my back. At times, I want to kill myself just to get back at her. To show her exactly how her fucking words hurt. I want to make her hurt.’
‘I want to take my life, not for a way out. I want a way in, I want to have some kind of control. I feel like I’ve constantly been at the mercy of others, and for once I want some power. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or even myself. I just want it to stop. I don’t self mutilate or anything like that, because I don’t want to feel pain. I want to be numb.’
You want revenge? Suicide is a pretty dumb way to do it. For one thing, and the main thing is, you’re not around to enjoy it.
The best revenge is to live well. To live long enough to prove EVERYBODY that EVER said anything and did anything to you, wrong. In the process you take the time to find out about yourself and life in general, and you know what?
One day you’ll wake up and they, the one’s you originally wanted to get back at, don’t even matter anymore. Because now you have a life, yours, to live, independent of them.
You want to be numb? Well, suicide works for this…for all of one second before you’re dead, and that’s it. Worms and dirt, and then…who knows? Everything you could have been or might have achieved, gone. Pretty shortsighted way of living (or dying, rather) to me.
Push through it man. Push the **** through. The only way out of the situation you’ve found yourself in is through. Whether it be therapy, self help, finding a creative outlet, whatever, you have to get up and take that first step, then the second, and the third, and push the hell through.
Because our lives are not defined by others, they are defined by us…and yes, the greatest pain you will ever feel in your life will come from those that we are emotionally attached to, not our family as much as our loves. They hurt us, often without knowing, and leave us so empty when they’re gone.
You are bigger than that, stronger. Reading your post I could hear it, all this strength hidden behind the pain and helplessness that you feel now. Don’t give in, never give in man. There’s too much to live for, too much to see.
At least I think so.
Live well.
Im glad you were able to find your interests in music. Music is such a beautiful art.
Well, there isnt much i can say without sounding cliche. But really, i think you have power. Not as much as your mom, or her, but yet….you still have the power for youself. Its all choice. You can chose whether or not you want to stay in this spot. Im not tellin gyou that you need to move, because sometimes we really do need to linger in our own “worlds”.
YOu are always given the choice to do this or that. You have choices to eat or whether you want to killyourself. So really, you do have the ‘power” and control to do as you wish. All you have to do is decide [wisely, if i may put my two cents in].
If you want come and talk to me. I check my emails everyday [actually every hour i am home]. i’ll be here.
silly.snowball@yahoo.com that is my email.