November 20th, 2009 by glassjaw

I’m almost 17 years old, but I feel as if I’m already coming close to the end of my existence. I can’t exactly pinpoint an exact moment that I started feeling this way, so I guess I should just start from the beginning.

When I was young my father was very abusive to my mother. He was an alcoholic, she was a holy roller. She felt as if she could fix him. You can’t polish shit. I remember being very very young and watching him beat her to the ground. This continued on until they divorced the day before my 9th birthday. Most kids are really sad when their parents divorce; but I wasn’t. I was ecstatic. He was finally out of our lives. Sure enough though, she took him back, and while they weren’t married, he still sat around doing nothing but being an abusive alcoholic. Finally, after I was 12 or so, he was finally out of the picture. Around this time I began noticing that I wasn’t like most kids. I didn’t really care for things like football and what not. It’s not that I don’t like the sports, because I’m a huge Cowboys fan; I just had no interest in playing it. So I found myself immediately out of the “cool” group in junior high. I was likely perceived as a “nerd”, but in reality, I just didn’t have a “clique”. I met a few good friends in junior high that I still speak to today, but nothing monumental really. Around 8th grade though I finally found my niche; I found music. I became a part of my local metal/hardcore scene. I finally found something I was apart of. I instantly out casted myself at my school for this, but at shows I felt a sense of belonging and I met friends there. Everything was going alright I guess.

Then I met her. Quite possibly the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. It was actually kind of an accident that I found her. And a very long and confusing story. About a week before I came in contact with this girl, I made a fake myspace of my friend to talk to a girl at our school. The goal was to make her think she was talking to him, and then she would come up to him and embarrass herself. It was very mean; I know this. After doing so, I left the myspace and didn’t delete it. Well, the girl of my dreams added it. I began speaking to her through it, and I realized that I seriously was in fucking awe of her. It was like I had found the missing piece of my puzzle after years of searching, not knowing that I was looking for it. The only problem was.

She was in Canada, I’m in Texas.
Oh, and not to mention she thinks i’m somebody else.

Now I’m not unattractive, I’m actually really average looking. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or not. Anyways, after months of talking to her, and basically in a relationship. I felt like I had to tell her, and I did.

Not to my surprise, she was freaked out, hurt, upset, and pissed off. After some time however, we sorted things out. Then I knew it, I love this girl. Someone that can accept you after something like that is someone that you want to keep around. We made it work, yeah, it was difficult; but we were in love. Now, she’s about 2 and a half years older than me, but when I was 14 and she was 16; that didn’t seem like a problem. But was we got older; we began to drift apart. She became busy with things of the adult world, her future, careers, etc…Plus, the distance never really helped. It’s
approximately 1300 miles from my doorstep to hers. About 2 months ago she and I broke up because of the distance.

I feel so fucking empty. Not in the sense that I have nothing, but everything I do have falls in comparison to her. The only thing I truly ever gave a fuck about isn’t mine, and there’s nothing I can fucking do about it. I don’t feel as if killing myself is a great option, it feels like the only option. With a general lack of interest in life; I have no motivation. I’m obviously depressed but I can’t go to my mom or anyone else and talk about it. They thought the whole fucking relationship was a waste of time and never took us seriously. I know my mom is saying “I told you so” behind my back. At times, I want to kill myself just to get back at her. To show her exactly how her fucking words hurt. I want to make her hurt. The girl i’m in love with will likely break down and could possibly kill herself. As much as that fucking pains me to think of it, I can’t do anything about that. What she does is what she does. Too much damage has been done on her part, so it’s not likely it would ever be fixed. She and I still talk on the phone, but it seems so different.

And it is.

I want to take my life, not for a way out. I want a way in, I want to have some kind of control. I feel like I’ve constantly been at the mercy of others, and for once I want some power. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or even myself. I just want it to stop. I don’t self mutilate or anything like that, because I don’t want to feel pain. I want to be numb.

The girl has said to me “You won’t be happy, you’ll be dead”

And like I said, I said this to her

“I know, and that’s better than feeling anything at all”

I’m rambling, so i’m going to leave it at that.

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