Two weeks ago my life was so different. So much can change in just a few moments.Two weeks ago I was mourning the loss of a potential pregnancy, feeling awful about my GRE scores, stressed out about applying to Doctoral programs, faced with losing a friend from a small circle who showed up to a party with the person I was divorcing, all on top of working and going to school full-time. All things considered… its not exactly a totally surprise I ended up where I did.
I ended up drinking that night seven nights ago ( I tend to binge drink despite being on anti-depressants already ). My ex-wife said some of the most hurtful things and I already came to the party in tears. But like always, I was trying to be strong, push through it and hold my ground. The hurtful things said were the last straw on a strack of shit just waiting to spill over. I went inside, punched my ex-friend in the face a couple times, took my ex-wife’s keys, took off in her car and headed off to the california coast. I downed about 30 pills by the time I had gotten to devils slide (slightly nortorious for being dangerous). I took more than that later…
I ended up driving the car off the side of a cliff into a 75ft ravine. The car was totaled and I had passed out from all the drugs.
I didn’t wake until 6am when I half-realized where I was. I managed to call 911 and climb out of the ravine. I was committed to the psyc. unit for three days. And my life trajectory has totally changed. Nothing is as it was. I am so very humbled by this experience. I am so lucky the only thing I walked away with was a already pissed off ex and a terrible terrible case of poison oak. I think it is actually more than luck. Its nearly impossible that I am okay.
I am happy to be alive. This was my first suicide attempt. I hope it is the last… but I am all too aware of the possibilities of my own mental illness. I now know like any illness… I have to maintain and manage my life in ways that support a healthy development and almost everything about my life before was not on the healthy track.
It feels good to share my story. Thanks for reading.
3 comments
I am so glad you are here to. My Son was not so lucky. There is only the decption of our emotions and intense anger that drives us to this reaction. We are not trying to kill ourselves but kill a level of pain we don’t know how to cope with.
I am really glad your getting help. Pls stick with it and give yourself time to build coping skills so there will be no fear of a next time.
Thank you kim1966… my heart goes to your son. Yes I totally see that about myself – I am working fiercely to love myself and have some strong coping strategies under my belt. 🙂
Hello, my alias is Phoung, its a pleasure to meet you. At the end of my comment will be my email, and i encourage you to talk to me if you ever want to.
Well, i am glad you survived. Sometimes it takes a failed attempted to help others realize that suicide isn’t the option. I do hope you continue down your path of recovery. Depression maybe hard to treat, but it does go away.
It makes me happy that you are giving it your all to maintain a positive attitudes. And i hope this continues for the rest of your life. I also hope your story reaches others and encourages them to not commit to suicide.
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