My story

  November 7th, 2009 by cstar

Two weeks ago my life was so different. So much can change in just a few moments.Two weeks ago I was mourning the loss of a potential pregnancy, feeling awful about my GRE scores, stressed out about applying to Doctoral programs, faced with losing a friend from a small circle who showed up to a party with the person I was divorcing, all on top of working and going to school full-time. All things considered… its not exactly a totally surprise I ended up where I did.

I ended up drinking that night seven nights ago ( I tend to binge drink despite being on anti-depressants already ). My ex-wife said some of the most hurtful things and I already came to the party in tears. But like always, I was trying to be strong, push through it and hold my ground. The hurtful things said were the last straw on a strack of shit just waiting to spill over. I went inside, punched my ex-friend in the face a couple times, took my ex-wife’s keys, took off in her car and headed off to the california coast. I downed about 30 pills by the time I had gotten to devils slide (slightly nortorious for being dangerous). I took more than that later…

I ended up driving the car off the side of a cliff into a 75ft ravine. The car was totaled and I had passed out from all the drugs.

I didn’t wake until 6am when I half-realized where I was. I managed to call 911 and climb out of the ravine. I was committed to the psyc. unit for three days. And my life trajectory has totally changed. Nothing is as it was. I am so very humbled by this experience. I am so lucky the only thing I walked away with was a already pissed off ex and a terrible terrible case of poison oak. I think it is actually more than luck. Its nearly impossible that I am okay.

I am happy to be alive. This was my first suicide attempt. I hope it is the last… but I am all too aware of the possibilities of my own mental illness. I now know like any illness… I have to maintain and manage my life in ways that support a healthy development and almost everything about my life before was not on the healthy track.

It feels good to share my story. Thanks for reading.

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