I think its safe to say that I’m not a normal teenager. I don’t know if normal teenagers are hypersensitive like I am. I don’t think normal teenagers wish for some freak accident to come along and kill them. I’m pretty sure normal teenagers enjoy their youth and want to live. But we have established that I am not a normal teenager.
When you look at my life you can say I have it pretty well. I have a caring family. My grades are average. I have friends. These things would make anyone else happy.
But I am not happy. 🙁
I am on an anti-depressant and I still want to kill myself. I feel so lonely. No one seems to understand what I’m going through. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Day by day I just go through the motions. Little things effect my mood. I woke up this morning indifferent, but as the day progressed things got worse and worse. It started with my realization that I have no physical ability in gym. I felt mortified. Just the fact that I was being forced to play a stupid sport in from of 36 pairs of judging eyes…devastating.
And that was only part of my day. My DAY! This is not even my life story. Every day at the end I want to die more and more. I am so tired. I feel about a hundred. I feel like I’ve done everything before and I see no point in trying in anything anymore.
My life goes down as I dig deeper and deeper into my depression. My average life I mentioned earlier? It’s starting to feel less and less average. My family is turning against me because of my now below average grades. My friends want to spend little time with me now that all I can manage is feeble enthusiasm.
Nothing is worth it anymore. I have nothing to live for. I can’t manage to motivate myself to get up in the morning, how can I motivate myself to live? Why is it that everything is a stab in the heart. I can drop a stupid little pencil and THAT, that minuscule detail, will bring my whole down.
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. School is making me especially depressed. I’m miserable. I don’t know what it is. And I have the hardest time describing my feelings. Even now I don’t feel I am fully conveying my emotions to you.
I am 16 in 24 days and pretty much ready to be gone. I’m just too weak to do anything about it. I’m too weak and I’m too afraid that things won’t go as planned.
But it’s all so pointless. Everything. I see no future for myself. Even imagining next year is a difficult task. I’m so tired.
I wish I could make you all understand, but you probably think I’m just another bratty teenager. *sigh*
I wish I was another brat teen. I wish I was just doing this for attention. If that were the case I could just go about and continue being happy beneath my whiny exterior. But, unfortunately, I feel this depression into the cores of my bones. And I can’t stand it.