Time…

So, it’s just about December… and just about that time. On December 4th 2008, (Last year) my mother died. She’d been sick for like….7 years etc. I’ve mentioned this before, but now as the time where her pain was greatest creeps by i find it hard to breathe. I feel numb everywhere and i don’t feel anything. It’s almost christmas… but i feel no joy for the season, i love the snow and yet all it brings is sadness to my heart. I love singing christmas carols and drinking hot chocolate but now it makes me want to vomit. All the happy merry faces and the cheesy decorations make me want to scream. I don’t want all this christmas crap, i don’t even want to live right now, no not because my mother died… well sort of but not entirly. I feel cold, and alone. I don’t have close close friends… and those who i used ot have left because they got tierd of me, or i was just too anoying… I have aboyfriend but i don’t know how to tell him how much i care and it hurts to be without him…. i also ofund out my boyfriend tried to commit suicide three times in the past… and it hurts that he shares his secrets with my other friend… and not me… i love him… even though i am young… i think it’s love though love is such a word that is used for eveyrthing. I want my boyfriend to confide in me and lean on me, i want to feel like i’m needed…. my other friend is currently suicidal and she keeps telling me to let her go. Those two people are all i have… i don’t want to lose them i’m hurting… and i can’t tell them, they have enough in their own lives… i have no one… i have a father and a sister and other reletives but i feel no love for them and thats not good… i don’t want to be with my dad or sister, i don’t want to hear their voices or see their faces… i don’t want to know they are int he same house as me, i don’t want to know i wil lsee them soon… i don’t want them at all… i feel so empty…. and yet i know i have to live on though i really don’t want to…. but even though i know i have ot live on… i’m scared that soon that will change and i will end it all… i’m so confused… i don’t want this life anymore… i pray to God to help me to show me a sign of improvment show me a sign that i am alive and that i am needed…. show me that it’s not wrong to hate my family… show me that my boyfriend loves me as much as i love him…. show me that my best friend wont kill herself… show me that SOMEONE is there… show me i am alive… oh God i pray… because i don’t want this life…