A Feeling of being Isolated in my own mind.

  Well, after randomely stumbling upon this site, well not really randomly of course.   I have been EXTREMELY depressed according for my entire existence according to my peers and I can’t really deny that they are most likely correct.  I have been sitting next to my bed for the better part of fourteen hours straight now leaning back and fourth over and over and over and over….  I have been thinking and why even bother with a life that I can’t ever remember wanting or even accepting, at least not that I remember anyways, I’d like to see my contract please?   WEell I have plenty of “Trump cards” in my hand currently and I must say, it is certainly a royal flush if I decide to go for the chips and into eternity a bit sooner than my boilogical body had prepared for.  Hm… It’s not like I have any family seeing as my mother died in child birth and my father died in a car accident before I can remember as well.  And hm… well, my closest relative us uh?  That’s a tough question, my uncle is there I guess even though he believes me to be a walking plague and refuses to let me near his “Perfect” family and taint them, not like I care anyways haha. 

  Oh yeah, My name is Travis by the way, sorry for not introducing myself earlier.  Well I am a twenty-something year old male that is in decent physical shape and is considered “attractive” by the average girl but I really couldn’t care less and I have been withdrawed my entire life, I don’t even care about anyone really… maybe I belong dead huh?  Yeah I think so, If I left a will mentioning cremation and leaving a few thousand in my wallet next to my corpse It would cover the expenses.  Eh, well I could always die tommorow but why wait you know?  I am kind of wondering what lies in store for my tormented soul in the afterlife “if there is one of course” and I could most likely handle anything some pitchfork-donning demon throws at me haha I AM SO FUNNY am I not?  

   I have just felt so distant my entire life, I have attempted counseling but well… I blew the pych doctors mind and pretty much left him speechless haha.  I have tried numerous meds but they just make me feel somewhat like a zombie out of a Romero zombie flick.  Have you heard of how a select few grasshoppers actually contract some sort of parasite that causes them to drown themselves in pools of water?  Well I must have one of those to be honest.  I am also an extremely anxiety prone and paraniod individual, I am literally afraid of anything unknown but I ENJOY THE FEAR which is the sad part.  I find myself cutting my wrists open on occassion and laughing hysterically while blood is pouring out of my veins in a stupor but I have attempted to cut back on it seeing asit makes me a bit nausious I have a phobia of blood. 

  I just can’t seem tounderstand why I have such a deep train of thought and even though my grades in school pretty much failed miserably and I feel like a complete moron in an academic sense I feel so far ahead of the average person in every other way.  I have met moronic jocks and more than my share of idiotic blondes that could score straight A’s in school yet they had the attention span of a regualr four-year old with a heavy dose of ADD mixed in the concoction.   My mind is just so deep that I find myself in meditation for numerous hours daily just daydreaming and falling into trances so heavy that it’s a bit scary.  I focus my eyes towards the middle of my head and just relax and can drift off into space for an entire day sometimes and I will have the most vivid dreams of shapes and colors that you can’t even explain in human wording and I will hear muffled sounds that are nerve racking on top of that and finally I will “pop” back into reality twenty-four hours later and it feels like no time has passed whatsoever.

  Back to the task at hand, I would like a bit of input on if It would be advisable to just end it cold turkey or keep going for a few weeks and then re evaluate the situation in a similiar manner with like consequenses?  I mean it’s not like I need help but I just enjoy getting a bit of feedback on occasion, just my human nature kicking in apparently…  Which is another reason I would like to escape this reality, primarily because you are not actually free in a sense that you live in a relatively frail body and must consume and destroy the environment to maintain life, just a total bother if you think about it enough you know?