Continuously Suffocated, Conscious none the less

  December 20th, 2009 by twilightbutterfly111

I honestly don’t know how i got this far. There even has been a few yrs where i think not one iota about suicide.  But like the BP Type One I am,  i can do so well and then get ambushed with a psychotic espisode or find myself  blowing up for simple things and crying as if someone killed my dog. oh wait no , that was me.   Lately everything has been so screwed up.  A financial institution threatening to sue me,  my dog dies, and the only guy i’ve been able to keep interested flies to london for at least a couple of wks to see his ailing father. Now the guy thing i respect, i am not a turd.  But with my dog dying, i feel like such shit!. I know i wasn’t always around , but did what i could. It wasn’t good enough and now he’s dead. I really ought to be shot for letting a small dog pass away. My sister made me put him in the backyard even when it was freezing out,  i feel like such crap also because i  let her  let him stay in the cold. He was a small terrier for crying out loud!.     Years back i used to cut myself and it made me feel better. I even used to take many sleeping pills just so i  could have a small vacation..waking a few days later.  But i was doing so well til some weeks ago, i just noticed that thoughts of suicide  were making me feel better.  i look at tall building and think about jumping off of them.  i look at knives and wonder what they’d be like. i look online at other stories, and wish i did it yesterday. i’m exhausted of this life and how it’s made me the fool.  I’ve done some crazy shit thanks to my BP.  I’ve screwed up every good relationship i had.   I’ve been molested, raped, abused, and found god too; but  all of a sudden i don’t understand why the hell any god would put me on this planet.  Anything promising crashes and burns, and the only thing consistent is my misery, pain, and the fact that people just dont care.  I bought christmas gifts for my sisters family, and she said oh we didnt get u anything… take em back.     My mother makes me do her nursing school homework, when i say no she throws a fit.  I had a gorgeous apartment and not too bad job before moving in with my sister last month. now i have a pretty good job but its two hours away by bus and i dont drive. *another lamo trait of mine.    I’m getting more and more short of my stick that says live or hang in there. Im usually the one to help others, but i don’t know if i’ll be able to make it another year. I really ought to just pack up and leave and go to my favoritest spot on the earth, off myself and  be done with this practical joke of a  miserable existence . How do they expect us to live when all people do is use you  and punish u when you are of no use.  The human race reeks of selfishness. Hell, they killed jesus.    why should i stick around to see what they screw up next

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