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Continuously Suffocated, Conscious none the less

by twilightbutterfly111

I honestly don’t know how i got this far. There even has been a few yrs where i think not one iota about suicide.  But like the BP Type One I am,  i can do so well and then get ambushed with a psychotic espisode or find myself  blowing up for simple things and crying as if someone killed my dog. oh wait no , that was me.   Lately everything has been so screwed up.  A financial institution threatening to sue me,  my dog dies, and the only guy i’ve been able to keep interested flies to london for at least a couple of wks to see his ailing father. Now the guy thing i respect, i am not a turd.  But with my dog dying, i feel like such shit!. I know i wasn’t always around , but did what i could. It wasn’t good enough and now he’s dead. I really ought to be shot for letting a small dog pass away. My sister made me put him in the backyard even when it was freezing out,  i feel like such crap also because i  let her  let him stay in the cold. He was a small terrier for crying out loud!.     Years back i used to cut myself and it made me feel better. I even used to take many sleeping pills just so i  could have a small vacation..waking a few days later.  But i was doing so well til some weeks ago, i just noticed that thoughts of suicide  were making me feel better.  i look at tall building and think about jumping off of them.  i look at knives and wonder what they’d be like. i look online at other stories, and wish i did it yesterday. i’m exhausted of this life and how it’s made me the fool.  I’ve done some crazy shit thanks to my BP.  I’ve screwed up every good relationship i had.   I’ve been molested, raped, abused, and found god too; but  all of a sudden i don’t understand why the hell any god would put me on this planet.  Anything promising crashes and burns, and the only thing consistent is my misery, pain, and the fact that people just dont care.  I bought christmas gifts for my sisters family, and she said oh we didnt get u anything… take em back.     My mother makes me do her nursing school homework, when i say no she throws a fit.  I had a gorgeous apartment and not too bad job before moving in with my sister last month. now i have a pretty good job but its two hours away by bus and i dont drive. *another lamo trait of mine.    I’m getting more and more short of my stick that says live or hang in there. Im usually the one to help others, but i don’t know if i’ll be able to make it another year. I really ought to just pack up and leave and go to my favoritest spot on the earth, off myself and  be done with this practical joke of a  miserable existence . How do they expect us to live when all people do is use you  and punish u when you are of no use.  The human race reeks of selfishness. Hell, they killed jesus.    why should i stick around to see what they screw up next


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shalnachywyt 12/20/2009 - 5:42 pm

Being BP must be very hard. I have a friend with that, and although I am not, I have been clinically depressed for many many years. It is not easy. Yes, people can be shits sometimes, but there are good ones out there, if only few and far between. Don’t stop trying to find one of those and be friends with them. They are worth more than all the riches in this world.

Your sister sounds like a self-centered, ignorant fool. Why are you living with her? Are you seeing a therapist? They can be a lifeline, if you have the right one. I think you’d be better off finding a small place by yourself closer to your job so you wouldn’t have to commute. And perhaps look at some type of BP support group to help you over the rough patches. I realize that’s difficult if you’re in an area of the country that’s very rural.

I think it’s okay to fantasize about suicide (I do it all the time, it helps relieve the pressure and make me actually THINK about what’s going on in my life and how I can make it better). JUST DON’T DO IT.

THere are NO “laimo” traits. You do what you can to survive and if other people don’t approve – F**k them! They are not you and they have no right to tell you how to live and overcome your challenges. You can overcome them.

I finally figured out that a lot of my problems had to do with my listening to what other people said and realizing that THEY WERE WRONG. It’s when I started listening to my own Inner Voice (you know – the one you have that inspires you to do good things), that my life started to turn around. By ignoring the hateful things other people were saying, I found my own true path. So I’m telling you that you CAN make it, even with BP, and you CAN have a satisfying life. It won’t be “perfect” but nothing is.

I’ll keep you in my meditations.

shalnachywyt 12/20/2009 - 5:48 pm

BTW, my deepest sympathies on the loss of your pet. When you can, get another one. They’re better than people.

As far as your sister and the presents. If this were me, I’d give the presents to the kids anyhow, unless they’re real brats, in which case I’d take them over to the local homeless shelter and give it to them. As I said before, you’re sister sounds like she’s very self-centered.

I think you should stick to your guns about not doing you’re Mom’s homework, or even contact the school and let them know that it’s YOU doing the homework not your Mom! That’s just plain wrong!

Not everyone on this planet is selfish. There are a lot of nonselfish people out there. You just have to search for them.

Again, I’ll keep you in my meditations.

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