Depression, alone so alone, and wanting to cut again

well i have been having problems with my depression, again……

about 5 year ago i stared cutting, when i was about 13 i tryed to commit suicide for the first time ( i am now 17 do the math) that night a strager saw me and stopped me, he became my best friend, his name was James and he tought me how NOT to cut, that you could find relief in music, art, and I could find relief in him. I loved him with all my heart, he was all i wanted, what keept me going…one night i was hanging out with him when his step dad came into the room, i went to hide ( i was not supposed to be there), they had a fight, i dont know how things got ugly but i saw him kill him….it took everything that i was for me not to scream, go after him and kill him for kiling James…..he was only 15. I called the police, there was a case and i lost….. they found out about my scars, about my depression, and claim i had imagined it…they called a murder a suicide…..

i was alone again and i had no where to go to, i almost stared cutting again until i met Jake, he was more than James, and i fell in love with him too, he loved me and helped pass my depression…. he was homeschooled, he lived only a few blocks away form me…..

he became my boyfriend, a year passed and he asked me to marry him, i said yes…..

he was originally from spain, and his parents had to go back, there he had an accident and he almost died…..he is having terapy and surgeries all the time…..the other day he called me and told me that i didnt need to be with someone that was going to die……i dont know what is going on with him….he doesnt answer his email, phone calls, or any of my messages…..he told me that we should brake up, that he didnt love me, that he was sorry that he let go so big…..i was debastated…..i cried all day long….i am quiet all the time and i cant hide it……i dont know if he just wants me to hate him just so when he does die i  wont miss him….but i cant hate him and i miss him so much….i need a piece of relief in my life and i constantly see things that i could use to cut…..

what can i do?