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Desperate.

by someoneoutthere

Maybe I’m just desperate for something that I’ll never find.

I guess I’m just waiting for one of my friends to admit she’s a lesbian so I’ll feel better for being one, too. I’m waiting for a chance to admit it, I guess. I’m tired of pretending I find some guys hot when I really don’t. I can’t stand men. I can’t stand men who do nothing but taunt you for being inferior, who treat you like crap because you’re not worth their respect, who see you as weak and stupid even though you do everything for them because they’re unable to do it themselves.

I tell people that I’m never going to get married. I’m going to grow up and be the old lady with the cats, I say. They tell me I’ll fall in love whether I like it or not. It happens to everyone, they say.

They don’t realize that I already have. With a girl. And she’ll never know. No one ever will.

I really wish people would respect me. See that I’m worth your respect. Just look at me! Look me in the eye and tell me I mean something to you. Tell me I play a role in your life. If I die, would you care? Would any of you care? I’m just a stranger on the internet. You don’t give a shit.

But the people that see me every day. The people that sneer at me and taunt me. They don’t realize that I’m closer to suicide every day.

I’m also really close to failure. My New Year’s Resolution for 2009 was to commit suicide by Jan. 1st, 2010. It’s only a couple weeks away. I’ll totally chicken out. I know I will. I have what I need, I really do, but I just can’t do it. I’m so disgusting. No wonder no one respects me. I have no guts. I’m ugly. I’m angry. I’m melancholy. I’m obnoxious. I’m a liar. I’m a loser. I’m a loner.

I give up.

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6 comments

Robby 12/19/2009 - 9:30 pm

Don’t give up. I haven’t and have more than enough reason’s to do so.
Cats are very good and non-judgemental.
I have to have 4 to deal with my need for Love and such.

I am judging by the time you are back east, yes?
Out in rainy Seattle here.
There are people who care.
Robert EarlTreat@gmail.com

justagirl 12/20/2009 - 12:48 am

I know I don’t know you, and I know you might think its strange that someone that doesn’t know you cares. But, I do care. I would care if I read this and you went through with it. I would feel sad that you weren’t here anymore, and that (although we’re strangers) you wouldn’t be walking around like other people do each day. I would notice that there’s one less person around, and, from what I’ve read, you have feelings, deep feelings. Which is the same as how I feel some days.

As corny as it sounds, it’s overwhelming when you think of how many people there are in this planet, sometimes my mind wanders off to think about space and how vast it is, and, sure, sometimes I feel a bit insignificant. But, I try so so hard everyday to make sure that I do something each day that will help someone, that will make me feel significant, like I’ve made a change, like no matter how small I am compared to everything around us, that I can be bigger than all of it.

This may sound like gibberish, or maybe you understand me? Regardless, you asked if anyone would care, and I’d like to tell you that I would.

I really hope that next year is full of great new fortunes for you and that you too can join me in making something out of ourselves, in being bigger than all of it, proving to ourselves that no matter who we are, how we look, or how we feel, that we can overcome anything.

I promise you, I will be thinking of you that day, and I will notice. I will care.

Sandra.

ferric241 12/21/2009 - 3:57 pm

Hey now,
those feelings are pretty normal and when you get them do not act upon them cause if you do plan on wasteing a perfectly good human body then just think of all the pin and torment you will cause the ones who love you.

Trust me I myself have had to attend 7 funerals for my marines when i joined i never thought i would have to go through so many of my close friends ending a life they thought was not worth living.

I hate seeing it and i would hate to see someone like yourself do that i read your post a few times and you say you hate men because they taunt or make fun of you and some of the men you have met in your lifetime can’t do anything for themselves, right?

Well that happens just about everywhere but some places can be worse then others i will admit it, but to be honest not all guys are like that take marines for instance i know there is a whole mess of people that dont really like us and say we are pretty bad. Even though we have an incredible tradition of respect and honor no matter what your sex is there are a few poeple that mess it up.

What i ma trying to say is that you have a life a gift whatever you want to call it its the only one of its kind and so are you try no to destroy it ok i hope to hear from you when the new year rings in.

god speed.

justagirl 12/26/2009 - 12:26 pm

I hope you have a great holiday season, and I hope you and your loved ones are well. Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it!) and a very happy New Year.

I’ll be posting again in a weeks time when the new decade begins. Hopefully next year will be a joyful time that will bring many new experiences and opportunities.

Stay safe.

Speak to you next year! – Sandra.

justagirl 1/1/2010 - 1:49 am

Happy New Year, where ever you are! I hope next year is full of amazing new opportunities and that you find strength in all of the best places.

Enjoy the new decade, and, as they say, a new decade is always a great time for a positive change.

Stay well, be strong, there are always people who care.

-Sandra 🙂

Deselected 1/13/2010 - 7:33 am

I read this in shock. It was like reading exactly what had been going through my head.
I have such a deep sadness for you because i know exactly what you are going through.
You are never alone.
If your friends won’t respect your lifestyle then fuck them off. They are not worth your time. Don’t waste your life hiding who you really are because you have a heart and you need to share it with the world.

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