Maybe I’m just desperate for something that I’ll never find.
I guess I’m just waiting for one of my friends to admit she’s a lesbian so I’ll feel better for being one, too. I’m waiting for a chance to admit it, I guess. I’m tired of pretending I find some guys hot when I really don’t. I can’t stand men. I can’t stand men who do nothing but taunt you for being inferior, who treat you like crap because you’re not worth their respect, who see you as weak and stupid even though you do everything for them because they’re unable to do it themselves.
I tell people that I’m never going to get married. I’m going to grow up and be the old lady with the cats, I say. They tell me I’ll fall in love whether I like it or not. It happens to everyone, they say.
They don’t realize that I already have. With a girl. And she’ll never know. No one ever will.
I really wish people would respect me. See that I’m worth your respect. Just look at me! Look me in the eye and tell me I mean something to you. Tell me I play a role in your life. If I die, would you care? Would any of you care? I’m just a stranger on the internet. You don’t give a shit.
But the people that see me every day. The people that sneer at me and taunt me. They don’t realize that I’m closer to suicide every day.
I’m also really close to failure. My New Year’s Resolution for 2009 was to commit suicide by Jan. 1st, 2010. It’s only a couple weeks away. I’ll totally chicken out. I know I will. I have what I need, I really do, but I just can’t do it. I’m so disgusting. No wonder no one respects me. I have no guts. I’m ugly. I’m angry. I’m melancholy. I’m obnoxious. I’m a liar. I’m a loser. I’m a loner.
I give up.