Does the Pain Ever End?

I have never really had a good part of my life. Yes I have children, and they used to complete me. As the years have flown by, they have left my home, saying I am a horrible mother. I am strict. I want my children to have good lives. They have only one shot, and I want them to take it. It just happened that two of my children decided to move into thier father’s house this year. After 11 years with me and they are gone. My oldest daughter is almost 18, she dropped out of school, and I can not get her interest back. Now she threatens all the time to move to her father’s house. As any mother can imagine, the pain of losing a child and their everyday love, hugs, and laughter, is the worst feeling in a mommy’s mind.
I will never forget the day I had to look at my youngest daughter, and try to explain to a 2 year old that she would not be living with her mommy. Yes that makes three of four which are gone. In part, it was my fault that I lost her. The other reasons pertain to sexual abuse to my other children. I think that was my fourth sucide attempt at that point.
There was a church close to my grandparents house which had a courtyard, I often visited there, but the last time, and after the last of five family members molested me, I cried out to God. I wanted all the pain to stop. I remember saying ‘let it turn, let it turn’. Turn to hate. I never wanted to care ever again.
A ten year horrible mental and physically abusive marriage topped the cake.
I remember the words from God, that he will not give us more than we can handle. Well I can not handle anymore.
The thought of my children leaving me has devasted me. It would take more time for me to explain everything we have endured to keep us together.
After a long 8 year pause, I was able to rekindle my relationship with my younger brother. So I thought going to my oldest brothers house for the holiday would be a good idea, I was wrong. How can your own brother want to ruin your life? I just wanted to leave so I would beat the holiday traffic, and he took my nephew, whom I brought with me, away until four hours AFTER I had planned to leave. I felt helpless. Captive. The same I had felt for 11 years of marriage. I am not perfect. I have made my mistakes, and I struggle everyday to make them right. I know people say that you do not have to continually ask for forgiveness, but it does not change in a mothers life when she knows she has hurt her children.
Last night I took three full prescriptions, dumped them on the counter, and reached for a drink. My husband and daughter took the pills away from me. I wanted, still want to leave this life. I do not see happiness in the end. How can I? I have lived a life of hell! At the age of 5 I was molested for the first time, my mother woke me, beating me with a belt, because I had touched myself. (This is where my therapist believes Borderline Personality Disorder began). I do not know what to do. I have cried out to God. I have begged my family for acceptance, yet, I am the left out person. Those girls chasing me when I was young with snakes, then holding them to my head while I preformed sexual things on them. Who wants to live a life where you do not even have to close your eyes to see those images? I can not even allow my children to play “house”, as I was molested when I played. My father abandoned me many years ago. He was such an importnat part of my life. He still lives. I choose not to have anything to do with him, and it kills a small part of me every day. WHY CAN I NOT HAVE HAPPINESS?