Flying…

So… it’s kind of like flying in a weird-not-really-way… and flying when you have no wings doens’t work out too well… time goes by slowly when everything is grey but it goes by fast when everything is not grey. Grey… grey… grey… everything is still grey. It’s weird and confusing and weird and confusing over and over… it hurts but it feels good in a weird numbish way. Memories are so incoherent and messed up. I can’t remember… i can’t remember it… and if i do i don’t remember if it’s real or a dream, or a picture, or a story conjoured up into a moving image. I want to be left alone… i don’t want to be with anyone… and yet… i do. I want to be with them all the time and it hurts when i’m not and i’m not used that that… and i don’t want to suffocate them metaphorically. I want to wipe out the world so we can all start over i want to erase all the pain and suffering, all the loss and anger. Sometimes i just don’t want this life… and thats selfish but it’s normal i guess… everyone feels that way sometimes, but i don’t want to be normal i don’t want to be like eveyrone else because half of the ‘normal’ and ‘everyone else’ i see i don’t like… sounds mean i know… but anyways whats the deifnation of normal anymore… with all the discrimination and judgement that goes on all the time, there is no way to know what normal is. I don’t want to hear about all the sad stuff all the poor children without a home, or the wives being abused, or the children being abused, i don’t want to hear of the muder and the death, the loss and the pain. I already know that stuff is out there, even if i haven’t felt it all i don’t want to cause it makes me feel sad, and anoyyed because i already know about it. The world is messed up bad, it’s falling… and it’s been falling since it began and it won’t stop falling… i don’t want to be stereotyped as a ‘teen’ just another one of those ‘dumb irresponsible teens’ who don’t know anything who are just dumb and ignorant and selfish and foolish and lazy… i don’t want to be like everyone else… not saying everyone is like that by the way… i like people, loads of people. Good people, kind people, beautiful people and i don’t mean looks i mean like.. their soul, not that i can see anyones soul. There is alot of good out there… people who want to make a change people who want to be better than they are, people who care and who have compassion for those who don’t care… there is alot of good out there… but i don’t see it.. i can’t see it.. or maybe i’m afraid too because i don’t think it’s real, or that it will last…I’m scared. I’m scared of emotions, of people, or caring too much or too little, of people getting hurt because of me, of people getting hurt at all. I’m scared of things i see in my head when i think or imagine too hard, i’m scared of thinking too hard in general i guess… I’m scared to feel happy… i’m scared to not feel happy, i’m scared i’ll give up… i’m scared i won’t give up… but maybe i’m only human in these ways i don’t know… what is life… whats the point what are we supposed to do… “try and improve our part of the world” pfft good luck, and even if you do whats the point… how long will it last… and yeah i’m being selfish and wierd and dumb and blind and stupid but hey i’m human… which sucks.. anyways… are we supposed to live for the hope that things will improve? even if they do… how long could it last, forever if i tried right… sure…. and even if things do improve not everything can improve even if i give it my all, yeah i’m being pessamistic and depressing and stubborn… and some people would tell me to look to God for life, for a meaning for love, ofr support for everything… and you know i’ve tried doing that, not the like the extent of reading the bible all the time, but to the extent that i can go to, it didn’t do much…….. God is there, and i believe in him and yeah i love him, want to serve him but still… i don’t know… i don’t feel any better after praying or anything :/… anyways aside from that…what to do… what to do….