i honestly don’t know how to title this.

  December 7th, 2009 by clara

hey. uhh, well i haven’t been on here in a while. you might be thinking ‘yay, good for you’! wrong. My life has gotten eons worse and there’s absolutely nothing i can do about it. My mom bashes on me every day about not eating right and about how i look anorexic and how she’s going to make me go get blood drawn multiple times for tests to see if i’m malnourished.  She knows i hate needles and how weak-at-the-knees i get about getting blood drawn. She sometimes hits me now. I haven’t told anyone that, not even my almost-girlfriend. That’s another problem i have. I’m a 12 year old girl and i’m already pretty much in love. With another girl. I really wanna ‘go out’ with her and stuff, but i’m afraid of all of the bad things that could happen to us. My mom alone would literally rip me into shreds. The snotty kids at school would probably tease us, or worse, beat us up or make up rumors or SOMETHING. All that would probably cause our other best friends to slowly start slipping away because they’re embarassed to be around the outcasts. I’m afraid that that will happen, that’s why i never made the move to ask her out or anything. I’m pretty much always in a constant black hole that’s surrounded by suicidal thoughts, overdosing , thinking about cutting myself (again after almost 4 months of not doing it!), and literally just holding a knife in my lap for two hours, thinking about killing myself and should i do it now? or maybe i should wait till no one’s home. I haven’t come THAT close to killing myself, but i have it pretty much planned out, and have somewhat attempted. I’m so scared of myself, all the time. I’m afraid that some day, one little thing is just going to make me snap, and i’ll just kill myself right then and there. I haven’t told anyone ANY of this, so you can imagine how much i’m keeping inside and how a little thing could just make me fucking flip. Anyways, literally every day i think to  myself: ‘i want to die. i’m going to fucking kill myself. God, KILL ME NOW.’ the other day i scared myself shitless cuz i wished that a car would crash into mine just so i would have a legitimate reason for dying. I’m so fucked up and i can’t fucking TAKE IT. Also, i never sleep anymore. I mean, i sleep, but not well. I’m always up and no matter how tired i am, i just can’t fall asleep. and when i do, i have nightmares, so i wake up in the middle of the night anyways, and still can’t sleep. i’ve been having nightmares this whole month, and half of november, whenever i sleep. when i don’t i literally stay up until 4 am, just sitting there. then i finally fall asleep for three hours and have to endure six hours of school plus an extra 2 or 3 hours of play rehearsal. And as for my mom thinking i’m anorexic, she’s mentally challenged(not seriously, i’m just being mean haha). I eat. she sees me eat. i live in an apartment with thin walls so i can’t be bulimic ’cause someone would find out. at school, i couldn’t not eat because the teachers would notice. and i can’t make myself throw up in the school bathrooms because someone else would find out because the girls bathroom is ALWAYS full. So there isn’t ANY WAY i could be bulimic or anorexic. Sorry to change the subject so much, but my grades seem to be slipping, too. Science, which used to be like my best subject, i’m getting b’s on the quizzes and tests now. My test average is 88. I know it may sound good and you might be like ‘wtf is she mental? b’s are good!’, but i ALWAYS get straight a’s. it’s just who i am. i’m still getting an a in science, but it still bums me out when i get grades lower than my usual. My mom also yells at me for whatever reason she can get her brain to think of. I’m constantly getting yelled at for not doing things around the house, when she’d be the one shoving her fat fucking face with shit and i’d be doing the dishes. She also makes me feel like i’m worthless crap. Whenever i bring home good grades, she waves them off as if they’re no better than an F or a D. And i hear about kids saying ‘yes! Maybe i can go out to dinner tonight ’cause i got a’s and b’s!’ and i’d be thinking ‘maybe my mom won’t yell at me as much cuz i got all a’s’. So yeah. i’m pretty much done for now. Thanks to whomever for reading, you don’t have to comment, but if you do, it is VERY appreciated.

love and peace,  clara

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