I only want peace within myself..

Here’s a little bit of myself and my story.

I’m female, 16 years old. I’m a pretty average person, going to school, hanging out with friends, getting into sport.. etc.

But my life took a huge turn one afternoon when i  took the pregnancy test i had in my bag for a couple of days cause i was too scared to take it. It came out with two lines. (Positive)

Everything moved really fast from there. I tried to kill myself by getting into my dad’s car one rainy night and picked out a long, empty road for myself. I decided that if i go fast enough and brake + turn the wheel at the same time, the car would crash and i’d hopefully die and it’d be seen as an accicdent. But as i was driving down that road at about 85km/h, i was thinking. The baby, the friends, my family, my boyfriend. I chickened out and turned around and went home.

Days were so jumbled from there. I honestly don’t remember what happened first, second, third.. All i remember was trying the drink the pain away, getting dumped by my boyfriend because he was scared of the future, not being able to make up my mind about the baby, crying all night then having to wake up and pretend i was fine.. It was a nightmare.

Anyway, i started bleeding heavily one evening. I got scared and later found out i miscarried at 7 weeks.

You may think it ends there, it sure doesn’t. All that happened about 2 months ago and i’m still so lost. Since then, i’ve tried committing suicide once again by hanging myself. Due to family stress + school + the lost, unknown baby. I tied a belt onto the kitchen cabinate handles, scribbled a quick note to my mom who stommed out of the house a couple of minutes before because she was angry with me, grabbed a stool and kneeled on it. I said a quick prayer and before i could kick the stool away,  the phone rang.  I answered it. Anyway, after the call, i didn’t try again.

I don’t know when’s the next time i’m gonna try, and if i’m gonna go through with it but right now, i’m trying to be my normal self again.  No one knows this side of me. The ‘suicidal’ side. I’m always the one with all the answers and the happy one. One day i’ll die, be it tomorrow or 50 years later, but when i do, the one thing i’ll be seeking for is peace.