I Think It’s All Over

  December 19th, 2009 by KoolCarlos

I have been riding an emotional roller coaster for the past few years now, and it’s gotta stop.

First, me personally. I’m a 37-year-old male and an attorney. I’m engaged, and my fiancee and I live in this great high-rise apartment in Jersey City, right across the river from NYC. Our relationship hits real peaks and valleys — first we’re all lovey-dovey, the next minute I’m getting yelled at for something. Drives me crazy . . . .

Then, there’s my career. Three years ago, I left one law firm to work at another — no change in salary, but the people were so much more pleasant to be around, I didn’t care. A year and a half later, I left this firm to work at a smaller one that paid more money. Proved to be the DUMBEST move I ever made, didn’t get along with the boss, he constantly threatened to fire me. So what did I do, go back to the first firm I mentioned!

And now, I’ve fucked that up too. My boss doesn’t know yet, but I disclosed an investigative report that was (a) favorable to us in every way, but (b) did not redact the address of the investigators who procured it. I did it because I know we will most likely be producing that investigator to testify, but I now realize that my boss is going to be pissed off when he finds out, and he might actually fire me, instead of threatening to do so.

Again, I’m 37. I don’t have any time left to “start over,” and I can’t live unemployed in this shit economy. So if the hour comes, I’m going to find a way to end it all. I’m thinking either ram a ball-point pen through my temple, swallow a whole bottle of sleeping pills, or both. I’ve convinced myself to wait and see if the worst actually does happen, because you can’t assume anything, but once it does, that’s the end.

Why should I stick around? To collect unemployment? To get yelled at, and possibly dumped? To have a solidified repuation as the stupidest lawyer ever? NO. How I would I get another job? How would I live?

It’s just gotta end now. I don’t have any savings to live off of until I get a new job, and I don’t have six months to wait to find one. And my parents live out of state, and there’s no way I’d want to live with them — I love them, but I’m an adult.

So there it is — if I lose this job, there’s no where to go but down. I had one life, and I blew it! I just need to check out and cut my losses.

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