I feel so disgusting, used and pathetic right now. I think I should be over what happened by now and the fact that I’m not only makes me wonder, “Why bother? It will always bother you.” If this is the case, why keep going? I’m bipolar, diagnosed when I was 13 and now I’m 22 and worse than ever. I should be getting better, but I’m not. I felt pressured into have sex with a guy in class and throughout the semester we did a few more times. Now the semester is over and he doesn’t talk to me at all. I feel so sick and I just want to fucking end it. I don’t want him to know how bad this messed me up and other people don’t understand and are tired of listening. I don’t blame them. I’m tired of it too. I feel so used and taken advantage of…I don’t think I can handle this much longer. It’s too much. It makes me feel so sick to think about how I was probably just some “easy” girl and now that the semester is over he could end that too. I’m not an easy girl so that’s why I’m so upset. I let this happen. I don’t even know how describe the disgust I am feeling towards myself right now. All I know is that my arms are numb, it feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach, I can’t stop crying and I want to die. I attempted suicide last year but it failed. I feel trapped because my mom’s brother killed himself and I don’t want to put her or anyone close to me through that…but I’m at the end of my rope. It’s not fair for me to have to live with such hate, disappointment and anger towards myself. What kind of life is that? I just can’t stop thinking about how stupid I am for letting that happen and having feelings for him. It’s even worse thinking about he obviously doesn’t feel the same. I can’t do this much longer. Someone, please help me.
10 comments
please let me help you. read my post before yours. i cannot say i know exactly how you feel, but i will tell you that God knows. He sympathizes, and He gives meaning to all suffering. please don’t let yourself continue to wish for death, God gave you life. He wants you to live. but it looks like you’re trying to live without the one thing you need…God. you may go to church weekly or pray every day, but unless you have made God the center of your life, you really can’t expect much. please talk to me, and please take care of yourself, because you’ve got a lot planned for you in life, and you can have these plans that God Himself sets up if you seek His will.
sorry, i mean my post after yours, titled “please let God help you”
What happend isn’t your fault. You have done nothing wrong. Nor you are not some easy girl. Some of man, I have to say most of man are disgusting pigs who makes women feel bad and constantly hurts them. This kind of things happens. You can’t choose to whom you have feelings. I don’t know if you are taking an antidepressand but if not, you have to find some psychiatrist. Maybe he could help you to feel better.
You have to realize this, no one else defines you so dont give them the power to do so. This man is obviously someone who knows nothing about people’s feelings or compassion, as sadly is the case for a lot of men. Just because you were a victim of this does not mean that you are a prisoner of it. You can get up and dust yourself off. If there was no sadness, then you would never feel happiness. It takes the cold to know the sun.
I honestly would be more than happy to separate this man from his testicles for you… what an ass. First, you shouldn’t let this man be the reason you kill yourself. He is not worth it. He is a jerk who have feeling for (probably before you learned that he was a jerk) who used you for sex. You are worth so much more than that; you can’t let this man kill you.
Second, you are NOT “easy.” If you were, you wouldn’t be feeling the way you are right now about this situation. If you were “easy” you would probably be fine with the fact that you had a “no strings attached” relationship. You were used and, if anything, that makes him “easy.” (Also, even if you were an “easy” girl which you absolutely are not, who cares? You have the right to sexual satisfaction as long as you are not using or hurting anyone. )
Although you should not kill yourself over this I think your feelings of depression are absolutely valid. You have feelings for a man that used you. If your friends are telling you that they are tired of hearing you go on and on about it, they obviously don’t understand what this is doing to you. If they haven’t actually told you that they are tired of it, and you are just inferring that they are, maybe it is just that you think they must be tired of listening to you and that may not be true at all. I am pretty sure that your friends care about you and if you told them that you were suicidal, they would probably be really worried about you.
You shouldn’t feel the need to minimize your feelings– this jerk hurt you and you are not at fault. Also, if you are angry, direct the anger to the person who deserves it: the guy for being a “jerk,” not yourself for “letting it happen.” You are not someone who deserves to die. If you can, I suggest visiting a psychiatrist, psychologist, or someone at the Wellness Center on your campus. This guy was a jerk, this was not your fault for being “easy,” and I really don’t think that you should kill yourself because of this.
You’re not easy, because if you were “easy” you wouldn’t be feeling so shitty about this and contemplating committing suicide over it. You’re not easy because you were tricked. It can happen to anyone. You’re obviously not stupid. Some guy fucking you over does not make you worth any less. All it does is make him a piece of s***. Yeah, he used you and you feel horrible. But you did nothing wrong. He did. Hate him all you want but don’t hate yourself over this. You might feel so weak that you feel like you can’t go on but really, look at him. He’s the weak one because he uses girls. You’re struggling so hard and willing to do anything to get out of this situation and just because of that YOU are the strong one. You don’t have to believe that but that is how I see you. You’re not disgusting. You feel disgusted, but you are not disgusting. You’re also NOT stupid for “letting yourself” get feelings. Feelings happen, you don’t choose to have them. I’d give anything not to have my feelings. I would give anything to have the part of my brain removed that lets us have feelings. But we have them and it’s not your fault. You aren’t alone, and I’m thinking about you. I really, really hope you’ll find peace whichever way you go, and hopefully someday let this go.
Mistakes do happen, everyone hates themselves for things that shouldn’t or should have done. Getting over those things and striving for a happier tomorrow seems just to hard, but not out of reach. He may of used you, he might of not even loved you……but he also doesn’t deserve you. I do agree most men are pigs (sadly) but, some aren’t. I try to be caring and compassionate but i make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes, you are not alone.
You may have been used then left without even a second thought, doesn’t mean you are worthless, doesn’t mean you should hate yourself for it. Learn from it, accept it, above all love yourself. Nothing stands in your way of a happy life with a loving husband, children, and overall happiness.
Feel free to email me, i am always willing to help.
-Wyatt
@K3T K3T K3T stop your bloody proselitism about god, you people should be banned because you are really evil. you are exploiting people in situation of distress to come up with your evangelium and the three divinities. Keep that religious crap for yourself! you dont care about the person you only care about using them to convince yourself that you are right.
And now to the girl who wrote the story:
Dear girl,
1) You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing. You did not do anything out of malice, or sexual lust as if you were some kind of bad girl. On the contrary. You had feelings of dependency, of vulnerability, you wanted to be loved, you felt that you could not say no because you would lose him, you felt misguided because all girls do it, and if you even say that you had had some psychiatric problems, my goodness my dear girl, how could you feel bad about something in which you were a victim! He should feel bad, but he is a piece of crap.
2) I am very proud of you, and I have full sympathy for you, and if you feel you want to regret it, dont suffer from that. Read again point 1. For the future, look ahead with brightness and plan what you would like to do or become.
3) If I were young I would be most happy to have a coffee with you and be your friend even though we may be thousands of miles away.
4) So not to worry at all my girl.
i know exactly how u feel just learn from ur mistake as much as it hurts, hit me up if u wanna talk
e-mail mkafan12@yahoo.com
Well…I was in exactly the same boat when I was 20. It hurt like crazy. I was also raped just after that a couple of times and spent quite a few years trying to get my head back in shape. As a kid, I was bullied and beaten by 4 of my brothers and neglected by my parents. By the time I went through sexual abuse, I wanted to die a lot of the time, but a year of therapy (which my shrink said was like two to three years for an average person) and some decent friends helped me to recover for the most part. Today, I found myself on this site because I’m feeling it again. Not shame, or even anger…but hopelessness. But this time, I know that the feeling will pass. I’m much older now, and with that age comes a certain amount of what we will call wisdom, for lack of a better word. I wish that I could be there with you, because we’d be great friends. I’m undoubtedly much older than you, but I do definitely know how you feel. Please listen to those who tell you that you ARENT easy, and that it’s not your fault. There are many men out there who will use you for their own gratification and then throw you away. As long as you learn to value yourself as the beautiful, smart, sexy, and valuable person that you are today, and not allow someone to use you in that same way again…then you have done what you should. Live and learn. But yes, to be used for sex by a creepy guy who we then realize never really cared, is painful. Imagine that all of us who have cared enough about you to write here are there with you and giving you a big hug. When you are alone and think that there is no one who really loves you, we are out here. You aren’t alone. I’m so very sorry that he used you, but that doesn’t define who you are and as you start to heal, you will begin to see that you are precious no matter what has happened in the past. Hugs!!!