I was used for sex, now I want to die

  December 28th, 2009 by TM5344

I feel so disgusting, used and pathetic right now.  I think I should be over what happened by now and the fact that I’m not only makes me wonder, “Why bother?  It will always bother you.”  If this is the case, why keep going?  I’m bipolar, diagnosed when I was 13 and now I’m 22 and worse than ever.  I should be getting better, but I’m not.  I felt pressured into have sex with a guy in class and throughout the semester we did a few more times.  Now the semester is over and he doesn’t talk to me at all.  I feel so sick and I just want to fucking end it.  I don’t want him to know how bad this messed me up and other people don’t understand and are tired of listening.  I don’t blame them.  I’m tired of it too.  I feel so used and taken advantage of…I don’t think I can handle this much longer.  It’s too much.  It makes me feel so sick to think about how I was probably just some “easy” girl and now that the semester is over he could end that too.  I’m not an easy girl so that’s why I’m so upset.  I let this happen.  I don’t even know how describe the disgust I am feeling towards myself right now.  All I know is that my arms are numb, it feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach, I can’t stop crying and I want to die.  I attempted suicide last year but it failed.  I feel trapped because my mom’s brother killed himself and I don’t want to put her or anyone close to me through that…but I’m at the end of my rope.  It’s not fair for me to have to live with such hate, disappointment and anger towards myself.  What kind of life is that?  I just can’t stop thinking about how stupid I am for letting that happen and having feelings for him.  It’s even worse thinking about he obviously doesn’t feel the same.  I can’t do this much longer.  Someone, please help me.

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