This holiday season marks the end of my second year of treatment for severe clinical depression. And I’m sick of it. I tried, I tried so fucking hard. I had been badly depressed for 5-6 years before I ever sought any professional help. I didn’t want to say there was something wrong with me, I didn’t want to be weak, I didn’t want to dissapoint my parents, I didn’t want to be broken…but I did it, I told my mother that I was desperate and needed help. She looked for a psychiatrist for a few weeks them forgot about the whole thing because if you don’t acknowlage a problem obviously it dosn’t exsist. Course when my grades for that semester came in and I had an anxiety attack she changed her mind. We selected a psychologist at random basically, and I consider finding Cathy (my psychologist) the greatest stroke of luck in my life. She’s amazing her therapy style fits me so well and I trust her and I like her and I enjoy (well sort of) our sessions. She gave me a bunch of tests and we had weekly sessions. She diagnosed me with very severe clinical depression plus an anxiety disorder and recommended I go on anti-depressants. I did every thing I was told. I followed her rules, I took the meds, I attended regular counseling, I tried so hard. Well the rule for anti-depressants and teens (I was 17 when I first went on them) is you do a 6 month trial of the med, it’s supposed to retrain the body into keeping a different hormonal balance. Well as I said it has been 2 years sinse I started and all we have done is steadily increase the dosage. I had been doing much better, so much better compared to where I started, but over the last 9 months or so it’s been getting worse. I just started my first year of college this past fall and with all the stress and what not I have not been managing well. So they want to up the meds again. I’m done. I did everything right I worked so hard to try and get my depression under control and this is all I got. My body didn’t addapt to the drugs, now I’m probably going to become more and more dependant for the rest of my life and I’m never going to be able to stop it. I was told it could be over. I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be my mom, I don’t want my kids someday to be afraid of my moods, to be scared to come out of their rooms, or scared to talk to me.Â
And there’s no reason. My life is fantastic. My family is upper middle class they’re paying for me to go to college wherever I want, I’ve had no serius losses or traumas, I’m incredibly smarts and school has always come easily to me, I have good friends. I should be happy, but I just can’t feel that way. I remember esspecially this incedent 4 years ago we were at the roller rink. I was hanging out with my friends, this boy I really liked was flirting with me, I was having a great time. Next thing I know I’m in the bathroom sobbing uncontrolably with all the different ways I could kill myself flashing through my head. This little girl came up to me and asked me what was wrong what had happened. I sat there sobbing and shaking my head saying nothing nothing is wrong. And it’s true there’s nothing wrong so why do I want to die so badly? I’ve been getting more and more out of control in my dips. I have never self mutilated, put a couple knife holes in the wall fractured a knuckle punching a door sure but I don’t want to hurt myself. The last one I smashed my head into a beam as hard as I could, 2 days ago and it still throbs, one before that I tore chunks out of my arm with my nails trying not to scream, I ended up screaming silently until all the air was out of my lungs and then continuing to try and exhale until I passed out. And they’ve been coming on so suddenly, they’re completely blindsiding me, and I used to be really good at telling when a dip was coming.Â
And I don’t want to just up my meds I’m scared of becoming dependant. I want to be better, they said I could be better. Why should I bother if this is the best I can be. Why when everything is going great do I suddenly stop breathing, and my inards feel like they’re ripping out of me, and my vision blurs, and I’m furious, and i’m sobbing, and I can’t control what I do. I don’t want this to be me forever, it’s just not fair (I know there is no such thing as fair, but I’m still enough of a child to want it) I tried so hard, I worked so fucking hard to stop this, and I just can’t…..so what I accept that I have to do this for the rest of my life. I can never drink alchohol because I’ll always be at extremely high risk for dependancy. When I enter into a relationship (platonic or not) I have to judge whether or not I can continue it based on the emotional stability of the other individual because I cannot provide my share of it. If I have kids I will most likely pass it onto them. I will always be some sort of emotional dependant. I don’t want this to be me, I want to be happy, I want to be happy so damn badly and maybe I never will be able to be.
Wow that was long, and I could keep going. My first post I guess I just wanted to say it all.
3 comments
don’t do drugs. no matter what don’t. no drugs won’t change you, they won’t cure you. if i may give you some advice is accept who you are – i know it is hard – and try to control it. be close to your friends and relatives and continue therapy except for the drugs. i’d love to hear more about you, if you’d like talking, contact me: blur55@hotmail.com
good luck
Wow reading this sound like I’ve written it myself about me. Every single part of it except the self mutilation part. My therapist is named Kathy too and just this month I’ve been in mymeds 6 months now and my body already became immune to it..upped my dosage once so far but it wasn’t enough. I wish I can be happy too but no matter what or how much I know my family and friends love me I can’t help but think of what it’ll be like dying. I know it’s just the easy way out and it’s a cowardly decision but unfortunately many if us don’t k ow how to deal with the difficulties in life. I hope I get better and I wish u the same as well. Reading how nothing traumatic has happened in ur life helped me beleive I’m not the only one with this problem. Also it makes it harder for us cuz we don’t exactly know what the problem is and u need to know the problem to fix it.
@the writer.
Hello girl,
what are the name of the medicines you are taking (you may want to email me at alvaro@ya.ru)
I would like to know since that would point out to what kind of treatment they are considering.
Aside from the medical aspect there are a couple of points.
You said that you got worse when you put extra pressure by starting college.
That is a “good symptom”, because as you can see your mood is influentiable by foreign events. So if they are good, you feel better.
As per having a family yourself, I dont think that would make you feel worse. On the contrary, I tend to believe that would be the solution to your problems.
Start with a pilot program of joining volunteer work helping children, homeless children or those without parents. In other words. Stop looking yourself into the mirror and get out of yourself dedicating your resources to the little ones in need.