Im going to keep this short.
Today was the worst of my entire being. What do you do when someone comes up to you, happens to see your scars and blurts out infront of everyone, ARE YOU EMO? WHATS DEPRESSING YOU EMO KID?.
It kills like hell.
I tried to be calm, not let the water fall over my eye lids. I just looked down and said my cat scratched me. She just looked at my and was like, “you’re a homo right?â€
That sent me over the edge. I cocked back my fist and punched her. Im so tired of everyone judging me, either im not good enough or stupid. How am I suppose to believe myself.
I ended up getting in trouble and now my mom thinks im a complete and irreversible screw up.
“dammit Madelyn, you are worth nothing. Why cant you be like your brother. Hes friggin perfect. You, youre just like your father. NOTHING.â€
Beautiful huh?
Brilliant if you ask me.
Now im shut in my room, wondering how could 3 attempts of suicide not kill me by now.
Great, I just realized, I suck so much at life, I cant even manage something as easy as killing myself
What the fuck?
Not even the devil would take me.
This isn’t how im supposed to be.
Im supposed to have friends, boy friends, good grades, great family, great LIFE.
Instead, I have SHIT.
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4 comments
I know the pain…it hurts but you know that’s an understatement as much as I do. What you have been writing here, ive been thinking the exact same thing for so long, though i am supposed to have girlfriends. hopefully that comment just know made you smile. but if youre like me, you wish you were happy enough to smile. if you ask me that girl deserved it. you are better than your family and you deserve better. look even you believe it “Im supposed to have friends, boy friends, good grades, great family, great LIFE. Instead, I have SHIT” i know exactly what its like… i know that pain that you do..
i have thought that exact same thing. i have physical scars like you too. maybe i dont have it but I know no matter what there is someone who loves you, who you will love unconditionally and when you find that person, they will save you.
Let me start with you SHOULD be hurt and you SHOULD be feeling what you’re feeling if that’s what’s going on. You’re allowed to be pissed off and angry and upset and just fucking sad. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself scream. Vent about it, and cry, and do whatever you need to. But don’t let that keep you from life. Stupid people are not worth messing up your life. Do what you CAN to get out of whatever bad situation you are in. If it’s your mom, or the people you are around, find a way out or a way to avoid it. There’s no way to feel better if you’re stuck in the same situation. There IS a way to get yourself out, it’s just unique with every situation.
Secondly, get yourself where you WANT to be. I’m feeling the same way with school. I can’t not fail and I’ve always viewed myself as capable. I’m 17 and not going to go to the college I want because I’m either being lazy or I just can’t do it yet. Don’t let stupid things stop you. If you want a girlfriend, do what you need to do. If you don’t want to do badly in school, do what you need to do in order to get everything up.
The great family part, I understand as well. Whoever says you can’t pick your family didn’t have screw ups in their blood line. Decide who you want to be close with. If someone’s hurting you, get rid of them in your life. No one should put you down-not even yourself.
This is your life now, sometime…ok, almost always, parents forget what its like to be a kid. Of course the don’t get why everything that’s confusing you right now doesn’t make sense to them, because they already figured it out. This is the first time you’ve ever been going through this, you couldn’t possibly know what to do every single time a situation comes up. If it makes you feel any better, I’m kind of glad you punched her. People who are like that don’t deserve people like you. You sound like a really nice person. I know everyone says this, but it can get better. But not on its own. If you truely want all of that you have to make it happen for yourself because no one on this earth can do it for you. Don’t ever give up. You are here for a reason. You can and will do great things with your life, you just have to make that decision.
Hun, that is my life right now too, when i first moved back home from las vegas the first thing people saw where the scars on my arms and then later on my legs…its hard and i know it feels like you don’t have anything that’s how i feel right now! It’s frustrating i know, in my opinion your mother is a ***** just like mine, ignore her, love, because she isn’t worth it. when someone who is supose to love you and talk to you about your problems just sits there and calls you a failure then they aren’t worth your time, trust me. You can live your life without her, that’s what i’m trying to do right now…i guess you can say that it just takes practice because i’m not even there yet but it’s going to come