It has been worse

December 19th, 2009by Dragonheart

I am so alone here. I feel like I don’t belong in this world. I feel like I am walking around invisible to others. They don’t see me. I have no friends, because I can’t be a friend. I live in this closed off state, and have done so since I was a little girl. I prefer to be alone, but want desperatley some one to grab me and pull me out of my misery. I’ve tried 4 times to kill myself, and have been in the hospital twice. I’ve cut myself with knives and burned myself with cigarettes, just to feel something. I am so empty inside like my feelings are shut off. I’ve trie the depression pills, ut they only do so much. I am unfixable. I have constant negative thoughts in my head. I am worthless. I am not good enough for any thing. I’ve had boyfriends in my life, but they never last. Each relationship dies off within a few months, because I got bored.  I don’t know why I do these things, I don’t know why I am like this and hate everything in life. It seems no one cares about me, not even my family. I am far away from all of them. I keep everything inside and therapy is redundant. I am angry all the time, I resent every body and want to give up the fight, I am tired of  going with life and am having a hard time to come up with reasons to live. I cry all the time, I struggle to get through the day, I sleep a lot. The constant question is with me Why am I here, what could I possibly contribute? I feel like dead weight and can’t do anything right. I am never going to amount to anything. Why is it that people who want to live, end up dying and people who want to die, keep on living. I would probably go to the worst gang neighborhoods and not one of them would kill me as I wanted. I feel like walking out of this house and never come back. No one knows me here in this city, no one will come looking for me, no one would care. I can disappear without a trace, die somewhere in the outskirts and no one could identify me. This is how bad it has come to. I’ve tried the cutting of my wrist, I’ve tried the overdosing, and I’ve tried alcohol poisoning, each time I was saved somehow. I want to end my suffering.

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