for all that i can remember i have gone to church all my life…..after i met Jake and he helped me get back to my feet i felt God’s presence…it was the most amazing thing in the world, i got saved that night…
its not that i have no God in my life, its just that i am not that strong…like i said i constantly see things that i can break and use to cut, there is a necessity in me and i dont knowÂ how not to feel it….
its not like i can just forget about it…its more complex, and addiction, even when everything was okay it was a constant fight with my self, not wanting to hurt, not wanting to surrender to that monster in me….now that things are black and i see no light is the time when i can’t feel him, i dont know what to do, i cry every night and ask for his help and nothing…..i cant feelÂ him, i feel so alone and i dont know what to do….
i dont want to cut but my force of will is fading…i dont know how much i have till i do it again, till i cut, till i go into that whole that was my prison for more than 2 years, i dont like and i am putting all my force, hope, even pain into it so i can fight it back….
but every day it gets harder and harder and i have no one to talk to….i had a friend and i told her about it…and she thought that it was a good idea to tell my doctors so they could put the medication back on me…..i got mad and she stoped talking to me when i said that i had not said anything to her, i dont want to take medication, it does not help, after the effects are over the feeling comes back stronger, and i dont want to get addicted to it….
soon i will not be writting here any more…..