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I’ve been alone with my thoughts for too long.

by Alexis

“Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier and simpler.”

It’s funny how life works. I was severely depressed about two years ago and just recently, within the last eight months, things have started going really well for me. I’ve been happier, I got a job, I’ve mended many of my failed relationships and gained new friends. However today that all came crashing down and thus I found myself coming back to this site in which I haven’t used in so long. Sitting here writing this I feel complete despair and in my opinion it is for the most pathetic reason. I am a female and bisexual. My first kiss was with a guy however my first sexual encounter was with a female. This girl and I were together for the better part of 2 1/2 years. So as you can imagine when we broke up it just about damn near killed me. Literally. We broke up two years ago, that would be where my downward spiral began. I tried to kill myself six times before I figured out I wasn’t capable of committing the act and decided just to be miserable for the rest of my life (or so I thought) So anyway our break up was bad, things were said that were unforgivable (by both of us) and to be quite honest still hurt to this day. Back to the point it was a very traumatic break up and relationship. Well about 8 months ago we began talking again, just as friends, and to this day we remained just friends however I found myself happy again just to have her back in my life. You should know we never saw each other in these 8 months, just talked over the phone. As of this moment I am fighting mixed feelings on whether or not to just cuss her out and move on with my life or pretend nothing happened. I know though that if I do cuss her out I will crawl right back to her a week later and she knows this too. The thing I don’t understand though and was hoping someone could shed some light on is why I care so much? This girl hurt me horribly and I would still bend over backwards to make her happy. I feel weak and pathetic that I cannot break my feeling for her. How this all relates back to why I am so depressed right now is because I saw her today. For the first time in 2 years. We planned to meet and I hoped for the best. I showed up early, palms sweating, heart racing, all that bullshit, and called her to let her know I was there. She said she’d be right over, I got so happy and then it all came crashing down. She walked up and behind her was the girl she left me for. (Mind you they aren’t together anymore but they are still very good friends) She said it was a ‘surprise’ for me. How fucking thoughtful of her right? Well that was strike one. Strike two was the fact I stupidly realized she no longer cared for me at all. I mean I knew it all along but it’s just different in person you know? I was very upset by this point but played it off and kept my cool. The last strike came in one giant melting pot of snide remarks and un-granted validation that I realized after we had parted. [I must admit I am making her sound horrible in this but it wasn’t TERRIBLE. Yes she did do those things and others and she greatly upset me however she did have her good moments.] After leaving I assumed she would text or call me later on like she usually does every night however I have heard nothing. It’s taking all of my self control not to text her as I usually do, throwing myself at her feet like a pathetic *****. I want to stop caring, I’ve tried everything to stop caring. I’ve tried getting new people in my life, making new friends, dating many of people and nothing has filled this hole that she created. Only she can and I wish to understand it desperately. Please, can anyone give any advice on this situation? Or at least tell me I’m a pathetic moron for crawling back to her after everything that has happened. I need something, I feel like such a loser. Please help me.

And here is my email if you find that more convenient although I don’t expect to hear much back because I doubt anyone actually read all of that pathetic bullshit; harber_a@yahoo.com

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4 comments

x_lindseey 12/23/2009 - 4:31 am

It’s not pathetic bullshit. I left my last boyfriend 11 months ago now, and when I did, like your situation, many regretful things were said on both sides. I regret it to this day. I though about it the other day, why I kept wanting to go back to him. I think it’s because, when I was with him, was the happiest time of my life. He loved me and made me feel wanted, which can be hard to come by. I don’t know if it’s the same to you, but maybe.

As hard as this will sound, and it’s stupid coming from me, but I think you need just to find someone who makes you feel special and worth something again. Someone who will give you hope. Saying this makes me a hypocrite, but its worth a try isn’t it?

chrispham123 12/23/2009 - 6:56 am

yea it is worth it

whiteylover 12/24/2009 - 4:00 pm

I’ve gotten really close to this one girl at my church and her best friend absolutely hates me. I care about her best friend so much but i’ve always found it hard to be friends with her because she hates me. I understand where your coming from in wondering why you care so much. I don’t know either but in a way caring about people is a good thing. there are pluses and minuses to everything and it’s really hard caring about someone who doesn’t care about you at all.

Rachel Joy

Christina 1/8/2010 - 3:01 am

im here if u need anyone to talk to im going to be honest i hate to read that much stuff, so i didn’t read all of it, but hit me up and write a quick thing and ill help u out or whatever! 🙂

e-mail mkafan12@yahoo.com

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