Last year

I had a suicide attempt last year. The boyfriend I lived with had recently dumped me and I didnt take it so well. A week after our breakup I woke up one morning and while in the shower decided I wanted to die. I just couldent figure out how I was gonna do it till it hit me. Im gonna go buy a gun and shoot myself. I purchased a gun and drove to my ex boyfriends house and he was just pulling out the driveway, thankfully he was there because I wanted him to see me die. He walked up to my car and told me to leave but I said I have something for you, something you’ve always wanted. Then I aked him he cared whether I lived or died and he said he didnt care either way at this point so I shot myself in the stomache. I passed out from the pain and woke up on the lawn with him holding my stomache and back. The next thing I remember is the ambulance ride and then woke up 2 weeks later after 3 stomache surgerys. I had to re learn how to talk and walk. I was very lucky because im a normal 28 yr old female now without any lasting effects from that. Ive been through therapy and medication but nothing seems to help. I still think about dying everyday. But the problem is I should of died, and I messed that up to. I cant live, I cant die