So this is my first time here. I don’t usually post about myself…usually just reading other people’s stories is enough for me. It makes me feel not so alone. But I guess tonight I need more than that. It’s hard for me to keep breathing tonight. Â
I’ve always felt a little different than everyone else…I’ve always had this nagging feeling like something isn’t right, like I’m flawed in some way I can’t explain. I’ve never felt like I really belong anywhere. And my friends and family don’t have any clue about how desperate I feel sometimes. Like right now.Â
I’m 24, I’m married, I have a beautiful little boy and a good job. But something is wrong inside my head…so wrong that I just can’t seem to be happy.  No matter how hard I try, I can never be good enough. I can never seem to find whatever it is I’m searching for. And I’m tired of feeling alone and afraid. I’m tired of creating all these problems for myself. I’m my own worst enemy, and I can’t stop.
I guess that’s all for now.  Thanks for listening, whoever you are…
4 comments
I might not be good at delivering expectations or love to others, but finding problems in life has been my specialty.
I’m willing to share after lifelong hibernation.
Emails are welcomed too.
I’ve been down before…and I know what it feels like to think no one cares. But believe me, there are people that care. Take me for example, a random person on the internet that you don’t know…taking the time to speaks some words of encouragement.
Look in to your son’s eyes. He loves you. He needs you. That alone should be enough. I am a 20 year old unmarried mother of a little boy. And when I see his smile, nothing in the world could bring me down.
And I guess I don’t understand suicidal thoughts or behaviors. I can’t wrap my mind around it, because to me, it seems killing yourself would be the worst thing possible. Taking my own life…even in the most horrible scenario would not be an option. Also, are you really trying to get help??…coming to a suicide website….to talk about you problems with people that can’t even help themselves? I suggest finding a help board. Or better yet, read the bible. It can bring light to the darkest situations. And if you don’t have one, let me know. I’ll send you one. I hope I’ve helped. Feel free to write back. I’m always here to talk whenever 🙂
“And my friends and family don’t have any clue about how desperate I feel sometimes”
I wish you could find some way to tell them. It has been almost 2 months since my husband took his life. Like you, he had everything to live for but looking back on his life, I can see that he had perception issues and other things going on in his mind that he never shared with anyone. He never thought he did anything right when he actually did everything right. He was successful at everything and he was a beautiful loving person. He left hundreds of people devastated because he was so loved and he was so wonderful and funny. We did not know what he was thinking on a daily basis and it breaks my heart that he never told me. I have just figured it out by spending the last two months reliving everything and even though I will never really know, I do know that I spent 16 years with him constantly telling him that he said or did the right thing. I just wish I could spend the rest of my life lifting him up and helping him but it’s too late.
If you haven’t ever read The Many Languages of Suicide by David Webb, please google it and read it. There is hope. You are young and many years from now, when you son is grown, you will be so gratefull that you lived and sought the support you need at this moment.
One chubby just past by feigned being the angel and said you are unthinkable to think something she didn’t understand.
Another told you to adore the beautiful child and forget any shitty things or anyone else that dragging you and causing you.
She was posing strong as being an experienced life saver, didn’t she?
The typical types that causing most of us problems are here telling us stupid of being here.
I’d really want to say the F word.
I just hate evils with a benign-looking mask!