I just want to die. I feel life isn’t worth living anymore. I’m
59 years old & i’ve been depressed most of my life. I lost
my job 7 months ago after 16 years on the same job.
I think of suicide all the time. I once called the Suicide
Hotline & blocked my phone#, but they kept me on the
line long enough to trace my address. You see, the
Hotline is actually the Police Dept. I said I was going to
shoot if I saw any Police outside. I meant shoot myself,
not them. Anyway, they figured I was going to shoot at
them. To make a long story short, I ended up getting
arrested for obstruction. They treated me like shit, they
acted like a bunch of Nazi’s. I asked to be taken to a
hospital, but they wern’t hearing me. They took me to
jail. I called my best friend & she bailed me out of jail.
I was in shock as she was too. Don’t EVER call that
Hotline. Call anyone else, but don’t call them !! Anyway,
I suffer from really deep depression. I feel worthless &
life just doesn’t seem any good anymore. I take anti-
anxiety meds which i’m probably addicted to along with
pain medication for back pain. I had back surgury about
5 years ago & I abuse the medication. I can’t control
myself. I’ve had drug problems since my early 20’s. I’ve
been in multiple drug treatment hospitals over the past
40 or so years. I was a Heroin addict in the early years,
but I found pain pills were easy to get & they made me
feel better, but they wear off & the misery starts all over
again. I’m a dreamer of sorts. I always think it’ll get better
but it never does. I’ve been told that i’m a smart guy, but
I do very stupid things & seem to always make bad
decisions. I did have some good times when I was in my
20’s. Had plenty of girlfriends, a car, my own place & a job.
But things started to go downhill after that. I started
abusing drugs to ease my depression, but I was still in bad
shape. So I live in the past all the time; when things were
good. I just can’t help it. I’ve been alone most of life; not
a good thing. I stopped taking care of my health. I ended
up losing most of teeth & it’s getting worse. I’m very
scared & nearly broke. It seems i’ve dug myself a very
deep hole & I don’t see a way out except ending my life.
I don’t want to die, but I can’t see any light at the end of
the tunnel. I don’t even have a Will & I don’t want to hurt
anyone except myself. I know if I die, my family & my few
good friends would suffer greatly for me, but I just want to
end my suffering. I’ve totally lost my motivation & I just
kick myself in the butt all the time. I cry alot, but there’s
no one here but me to see it. I can’t help myself anymore.
I don’t want to call anyone anymore, because I know they
don’t want to hear me complain over & over. I’ve prayed
for help, but I don’t think anyone is listening, so i’ve
totally lost my faith. If there’s a God, why isn’t he hearing
me ??? Does he want me to die or just suffer the rest of my
useless life ? I just don’t know anymore. I don’t want to
die in pain. I just want to die. I don’t know what else to say
or do anymore.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
4 comments
please talk to me. read my post here: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/please-let-me-help-24/
God hears you, please let me try to help you, because He is the escape from this world’s vanity and pain
I will never get sick of hearing you talk about your problems because I have them too. The suicide hot line really screwed you over. Why? Because they don’t know what you’re going through. I do. I attempted suicide on July 1, 2008 but lived. I’m not saying things will ever be perfect. You will have plenty of ups and downs but you will get through them. Please hang in there. If you feel like no one cares, just know that I do. I mean that.
I read what you wrote and I do care about you, even though we don’t know each other. We can’t feel each other’s feelings but I do think that suicidal people share a universal pain. Do you ever think about just packing up and moving to a different country? Maybe you might get some kind of relief out of that. I know you’re broke but maybe you could just get rid of your house or get out of wherever you live and sell your possessions, find some kind of job just to save some money and just move away. I really feel like you need an escape. Dying isn’t the only way to escape, and you said you don’t want to die. If you want to, you can, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Abusing the drugs is only a temporary escape, which you definitely have found out the hard way. I think if you’ve made it this far you can go farther. I feel that seeking help is the first step in healing yourself, because you are showing that you haven’t given up and are doing whatever you can to get out of this; but if no one is helping you, you have to trust yourself and allow yourself to spill out your feelings to other suicidal and depressed people. And places like this are a good place to talk about what you’re going through because people on this site will understand how you feel. The feelings of loneliness and hopelessness and the “complaining” that you think no one else wants to hear about. For what it’s worth, I don’t mind hearing about it and wouldn’t get tired of reading what you wrote. I agree with the above poster that people who have screwed you over and didn’t listen to you just don’t understand your pain at all. I’m sorry for what you have gone through and I am thinking about you. You’ll find peace.
I think thats why alot of people dont reach out more. Its sad that the hotline cant be used annonomously. How could they provide a service like that to just kick you right back into your depression and even making it worse! so sad.
I get really down sometimes but I think what keeps me going is that I know things are darkest before the dawn and I know how my actions affect those who care about me…even if they dont call me or come around. My kids, my parents. It would be devastating to them.
Think about the people who care about you…and if you cant think of any right off? well, everyone here cares.