I’ve been depressed and suicidal for about a year now. This all started when my boyfriend killed himself. We were really close, i have never been that close with anyone. We got along amazingly, we could talk about everything. He was the one who made me laugh when i was feeling down and vice versa. We had the same sense of humour, music, art, movies and even people. We were really alike. If anything happened he was the first one to know. It didn’t matter if it was good or bad, important or not that important. He was my person…
I found out about his suicide during my math class. I got a call from his mother. I couldn’t believe it. Everything just fell apart that very moment. I couldn’t react, i couldn’t say anything, i couldn’t cry. There was no pain, i just fell so empty so numb. I wanted to get away from school and i just ran outside and walked home. It was January and i was wearing only a sweater, i didn’t feel cold. I didn’t feel anything.
I never cried… not until the funeral. I saw him… lying in that casket, he looked so beautiful, like nothing had happened. I kept telling myself that he’s not dead, he’ll open his eyes, he will… he will… But he never did. I when he was finally six feet under it hit me… he was gone. I just cried, and cried, and cried.
My first suicide attempt was about a few days after his funeral. I swallowed about 20 sleeping pills, hoping it would kill me. But it didn’t… I was locked up in a mental hospital for a month. When i got out nothing had changed. I was so numb i just wanted to kill myself, i couldn’t hold myself back for the people i would leave behind. Noone was important without him… Nothing was.
I tried to kill myself a few months later, i slit my wrists pretty badly. I don’t remember much cause i passed out. I woke up in a hospital and had to spend another month in The Institue. I hated myself, i was good at nothing, i couldn’t even kill my own pathetic ass.
Six months passed and i found a new chance for love. It was so perfect… But the more i startet to have feelings for him, the more i got scared. And the more i got scared, the more i started thinking about what had happened the first time. I had a major emotional breakdown one night and i just tried to kill tmyself. I again, slit my wrists and had to spend another nice month in The Institue. When i got out, i started to ignore him, i didn’t answer his calls and avoided all the places where i could run into him.
Now I realized my mistake. How could i be so stupid? I pulled miself together and talked to him… I shouldn’t have. He’s moved on, he has someone else. This nearly killed me… But i’m here, feeling miserable, feeling empty and hopeless. I didn’t choose this life, and even if i did i don’t remember it. An if i now should choose to die, noone can blame me, cause for once i’ll make a choice. And a damn good one.
4 comments
I can’t say that I can relate to your situation. I will not pretend to be one of those people. But I can tell you on thing; things can and will get better. You realized that once, but thought your results lied with a boy. Other people don’t define you, you do! Every day is a chance for change. Ok. Ill stop with the cheese, but please, don’t make that choice.
That life is yours to decide on, and no one else can tell you what and what not to do. Whichever you choose, I pray that you finally get what you’ve long been looking for. My heart goes for you.
Would he want you to have those thoughts or actions? Wouldn’t he want you to be happy and move on? no matter the circumstances he would want you to live a long happy life.
well, the fact that you started another relationship tells that you were very much on the way to recovery. Nobody starts another one unless they feel at least somewhat “ok”. Of course, what happened was that the second boyfriend naturally triggered in your mind associations with the former traumatic tragical experience. I dont blame you in any of your reactions and they belong to a perfectly healthy person being exposed to something like that. What I am saying is that you are beautifully normal but sadly touched by traumatic events. If you have such a beautiful heart, it would be a terrible lost that something happens to it. I know that “dark existence” likes to leave it up to the person, but I disagree with that, because there are cases like yours where with the right help and support and love can lead a happy life and if you are at school, it seems that you are young. God bless you and if i can help you any way either post it here or write me alvaro@ya.ru