It’s retarded. It’s retarded that no one sees. I don’t need therapy. I don’t need meds. I just need someone to genuinely care about me. Someone who smiles every time they see me. I want people to point and say “See that girl? She’s a good friend of mine. She’s pretty awesome. She means a lot to me.”
Instead, I keep getting friends who want me for my brains, who want me to edit their papers and help them with their math homework because I’m the freaking nerd, in all those AP classes, who’s too nice to turn anyone down.
I’m so desperate to succeed at something. The problem is that no matter how high my GPA is or how many AP classes I take, no one gives a fuck about me as a person, no one sees anything good in me, no one will ever see me as anything more than a robotic homework checker. Damn them all. Damn them all.
But, at the same time, I can’t blame them. I can’t find anything good in me, either. I don’t mean anything to anyone, and I never will mean anything to anyone. I might as well die now. Overdose on the oxycontin I keep in my backpack. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid of failing. If I ever try, I have to succeed. I have to succeed my first time.
But I wouldn’t be surprised if there never was a first time…