Suicide is selfish and I dare anyone to challenge me on that fact. Now of course there are exceptions to the rule such as the terminally ill or people that are in advanced old age. But for everyone else it’s selfish. Right?
See I myself am suicidal and I have been suicidal for a very long time now. But one huge reason that I just can’t bring myself to successfully do the deed is that it’s such a selfish act. No matter how lonely I may feel, or how much I hate myself, my suicide would have an extremely negative effect on my family. My parents would especially have to deal with the embarrassment along with the guilt and grief of it all. I’ve caused myself enough embarrassment, it just wouldn’t be fair to cause them any too.
I mean just think about this scenario; A person that you don’t even know very well from school commits suicide. Although you may not have been best friends with this person, you saw them everyday. You may have seen them laugh while they were speaking with someone. Or maybe they always looked serious. In any event the news of their suicide kind of shakes you. Why is that?
Now just think how your family will feel when they find out you’ve killed yourself. These are the people who saw you when you were still in your mom’s stomach. The people who saw you when you were so small and cute and full of promise. It would be so heartless of you to shock and disappoint them like that.
Now it’s time for my excuses:
I am a little less than a quarter of a century in years. That sounds young but consider this. I have no friends. Save for the couple of people that have tolerated my presence throughout the years (non of them could bare to stick around), I have always been totally alone. I am totally isolated. And I no doubt did it to myself. I also have immense self hatred. Every morning that I wake up I am angry. I am so angry that I am given another day while someone else who may have so much more to live for died from cancer, an aneurysm, or a random cardiac arrest.
I was actually jealous of Brittany Murphy when I heard that she died. Mind you I’m not into the whole Hollywood thing but I actually liked Brittany Murphy. She seemed so sweet, and she was talented, and she actually brought joy into many people’s lives through her acting. People say that she was best known for her part in “8 mile”. But I really liked her in “Clueless”, Sin City, “Uptown Girls”, “Happy Feet” and pretty much everything that I saw/heard her in. I really enjoy light hearted films. They take me out of my depression if only for an hour and half to two hours.
Why did someone like her have to die so soon? She’s wasn’t even that much older than I am. Why can’t I take someone like her’s place in death? It was like a slap in the face when I woke up that morning and logged on to see her face and the caption reading “Brittany Murphy Dead at age 32”. And then to read that it was of “natural causes” meaning some random freak bodily malfunction. Here I am since the age of 7 praying every day to the creator that he would have mercy on my pitiful pathetic existence and just put me out of my misery. And he kills this person who is doing their best to live their dreams and is for all intensive purposes living their life to the fullest. I mean come on.
I didn’t know Britanny and I know that her life wasn’t perfect. But who’s life is? And this doesn’t just go for famous people. This applies to anyone who is living their life to the fullest. Keep them around and let us suicidals who’ve fucked up our lives enough just die.
The fact of the matter is that I hate my life but I cannot kill myself. Even though I’m such an abhorrent person. Even though I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. Even though I have no motivation for life. Even though I don’t have any friends. Even though I have wished to be dead every single day since I was at least 7 years old. I cannot kill myself because my parents will never recover. You may think that I should try to do something about it. That I should try to make my life better. But I have tried. I’ve gone to therapy. That didn’t work. I was on medication. Ended up hurting me in the short run (you don’t want to know). I went to school and tried to feel better about myself and I just ended up making a fool of myself as usual and humiliating myself. I just don’t think that life is for me. But how do I convince everyone else of that?
Does anyone else ever wonder why things have to be this way? Why do shiny happy people die too soon, or even just regular averagely happy people. While suicidals have to remain. We hate life so much yet we have to leave a huge fucked up mess behind by killing ourselves. So not only are our loved ones left with the sadness of how bad they felt for us when we were alive but then they are left feeling the impossible, that they could have or should have done something about it. What a cosmic fucking joke.
Here’s to hoping that I have the strength to hold on. I have my suicide supplies with me but I have yet to use them. Obviously. I find it funny that before I got my supplies I was really loosing it. But Now I have a little more clarity. It’s like if it gets really bad my escape is right here. Since it is I can consider everything. Because there’s no considering after I do it. Unless the creator likes me enough to just let me have a near death experience and send me back a changed person. Alright I’m out. I just needed to vent a little.
I have to add that I don’t believe that all depressed people are justified in killing themselves and also that there is always room for change as long as we’re alive. I left a lot of stuff out of this rant concerning the reasons behind why I want to commit suicide. But I know that even for me there is a possibility that I could change my life for the better if I worked really hard at it. Someone let me know about something called EFT. It’s supposed to be a cure all for literally every kind of pain. Emotional and physical. I haven’t tried it yet as I don’t have the drive to live and it’s so much easier beating myself up. But the fear of hurting people that actually love me may cause me to try it soon.
Check it out:
http://www.emofree.com/
Good Luck all.
7 comments
Suicide indeed is selfish, but asking someone else to bear his or her pain for your sake is also selfishness. It’s all a matter of who gets his way–you, or those people who claim to care for you, be they true or otherwise.
I think it all depends on the circumstances, if you had no one and nothing then it would not be selfish, it takes more than one person to effect in order for it to be selfish, If someone had a lot of responsibility; debt, children, etc and then it is dumped onto others to deal with then yes. But the act itself is not selfish. A person who kills themselves is exercising their own free agency. The ability to choose. If someone was dying from cancer, and it went on for a couple of years with all the chemo and hospital bills and all the attention, gifts, cards, prayers…I am only saying this because my sister died from cancer and it seemed like everyone loved her more and I was left unnoticed and then she died. And still no one cares about me. maybe its the other way around!!!!!!!!!!
@not good enough: I hope that you get a chance to read this.
I wish that it were that simple. For me there are many people who are related to me that would suffer a great deal if I killed myself. My family is religious and they would all think that I automatically went to hell. This is the worst thing that I could do to them.
You said “it takes more than one person to effect in order for it to be selfish” but this statement couldn’t be further from the truth. All it takes is one person to love you for suicide to be selfish. Because no matter what they will carry the burden and belief that they should have or could have done something to help you. It’s even worse if they believe that you will receive eternal damnation because of suicide.
This is just a fact of life. And it’s a fact that I battle with everyday. I hate it, I go crazy because of it sometimes, and I actually have tantrums screaming out to the creator in my mind telling him how angry I am.
I’m really sorry to hear about your sister. But you sound as if you’re angry at her for getting sick. You must know that she never wanted to get sick and that cancer or more so the treatment for cancer is a very painful experience. You sound like you should talk to someone about this resentment that you feel towards her.
I’m not going to pretend that I have any idea what it’s like to live in the shadow of a terminally ill sibling. I’m sure that what you’re feeling is totally valid. But how does it help you to have resentment towards your sister? Speak to someone and they may be able to help you see that you are the lucky one and not your sister. I highly doubt that no one cares about you. People have frailties. Your family is very damaged from the death of your sister, especially because of the way that she left. Maybe you should write a letter to your parents explaining how you feel. Tell them the truth about everything. That may be a start.
To Selfish: I just knew that I couldn’t post something on here and just let it be at that! NO matter what I say there is always somebody that has to walk all over what I say. WOW I have already spoken to a psychologist about this, that, and other things, don’t feel sorry for me! Why can’t I just have my own opinion? See? already you feel worse for my sister, SHE IS The VICTIM here. It should have been me in her place. Well no one goes straight to hell, when they die, however they die. You see I am religious too: everyone will be ressurected first, then judged, then based on all that, then if you still deny god, then you go to hell.
Actually not-good-enough, I did not intend to walk all over what you wrote. This is obviously a place where you can speak what you feel. I just wanted to give some encouraging words. I mean you did post under what I wrote. And you posted about your sister and the painful experience that she had while she was here.
And really I don’t feel worse for your sister. Though I do feel bad that she had to suffer through cancer. That is horrible and I have no apologies for acknowledging that fact. I am very grateful that I don’t know what it feels like to die a slow an excruciating death.
I don’t know the kind of life your sister would have had if she never got sick. Perhaps she would have been miserable. But perhaps she may have had a great life. In any event right now she’s chilling up in heaven with the creator and she’s having a heck of a better time than any of us.
I am in fact not religious at all. I have read enough near death experiences (after death experiences) and seen enough people recount their nde’s to believe that there is no waiting time. You go straight to the creator. Now some people have accounts of having gone straight to hell. But they always call out to the creator and he comes to save them. Then there are the suiciders who usually end of in a place that is totally devoid of light and is terrifying. But there are also some suiciders that end up going straight to the creator.
You can believe what you want, but I implore you to do some research on nde’s. Scientists claim that these experiences are just figments of the imagination. Sort of the brain’s last hoora, our consciousness trying to assert it’s existence after death. But I don’t believe that at all. You should look it up.
Suicide is Selfish. I am 15 years old and my mother killed herself. She left me and my brother and my father heart broken, not to mention her friends and family. Its a horrible thing
Wow!!! I was looking up a way to tell the children of a friend, who killed himself, that suicide is selfish and it doesnt mean he loved them less. I know its selfish. How can someone email you?? I know you said youve tried everything but if this article is a way to change your life by letting people in because they now stop and smell the roses. This type of article makes people realize how fast paced they have made their life and it causes people, me as well, to slow down and take time for people, can i have your email address?? thank you, MH