Suicide is selfish and I dare anyone to challenge me on that fact. Now of course there are exceptions to the rule such as the terminally ill or people that are in advanced old age. But for everyone else it’s selfish. Right?
See I myself am suicidal and I have been suicidal for a very long time now. But one huge reason that I just can’t bring myself to successfully do the deed is that it’s such a selfish act. No matter how lonely I may feel, or how much I hate myself, my suicide would have an extremely negative effect on my family. My parents would especially have to deal with the embarrassment along with the guilt and grief of it all. I’ve caused myself enough embarrassment, it just wouldn’t be fair to cause them any too.
I mean just think about this scenario; A person that you don’t even know very well from school commits suicide. Although you may not have been best friends with this person, you saw them everyday. You may have seen them laugh while they were speaking with someone. Or maybe they always looked serious. In any event the news of their suicide kind of shakes you. Why is that?
Now just think how your family will feel when they find out you’ve killed yourself. These are the people who saw you when you were still in your mom’s stomach. The people who saw you when you were so small and cute and full of promise. It would be so heartless of you to shock and disappoint them like that.
Now it’s time for my excuses:
I am a little less than a quarter of a century in years. That sounds young but consider this. I have no friends. Save for the couple of people that have tolerated my presence throughout the years (non of them could bare to stick around), I have always been totally alone. I am totally isolated. And I no doubt did it to myself. I also have immense self hatred. Every morning that I wake up I am angry. I am so angry that I am given another day while someone else who may have so much more to live for died from cancer, an aneurysm, or a random cardiac arrest.
I was actually jealous of Brittany Murphy when I heard that she died. Mind you I’m not into the whole Hollywood thing but I actually liked Brittany Murphy. She seemed so sweet, and she was talented, and she actually brought joy into many people’s lives through her acting. People say that she was best known for her part in “8 mile”. But I really liked her in “Clueless”, Sin City, “Uptown Girls”, “Happy Feet” and pretty much everything that I saw/heard her in. I really enjoy light hearted films. They take me out of my depression if only for an hour and half to two hours.
Why did someone like her have to die so soon? She’s wasn’t even that much older than I am. Why can’t I take someone like her’s place in death? It was like a slap in the face when I woke up that morning and logged on to see her face and the caption reading “Brittany Murphy Dead at ageÂ 32”. And then to read that it was of “natural causes” meaning some random freak bodily malfunction. Here I am since the age of 7 praying every day to the creator that he would have mercy on my pitiful pathetic existence and just put me out of my misery. And he kills this person who is doing their best to live their dreams and is for all intensive purposes living their life to the fullest. I mean come on.
I didn’t know Britanny and I know that her life wasn’t perfect. But who’s life is? And this doesn’t just go for famous people. This applies to anyone who is living their life to the fullest. Keep them around and let us suicidals who’ve fucked up our lives enough just die.
The fact of the matter is that I hate my life but I cannot kill myself. Even though I’m such an abhorrent person. Even though I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. Even though I have no motivation for life. Even though I don’t have any friends. Even though I have wished to be dead every single day since I was at least 7 years old. I cannot kill myself because my parents will never recover. You may think that I should try to do something about it. That I should try to make my life better. But I have tried. I’ve gone to therapy. That didn’t work. I was on medication. Ended up hurting me in the short run (you don’t want to know). I went to school and tried to feel better about myself and I just ended up making a fool of myself as usual and humiliating myself. I just don’t think that life is for me. But how do I convince everyone else of that?
Does anyone else ever wonder why things have to be this way? Why do shiny happy people die too soon, or even just regular averagely happy people. While suicidals have to remain. We hate life so much yet we have to leave a huge fucked up mess behind by killing ourselves. So not only are our loved ones left with the sadness of how bad they felt for us when we were alive but then they are left feeling the impossible, that they could have or should have done something about it. What a cosmic fucking joke.
Here’s to hoping that I have the strength to hold on. I have my suicide supplies with me but I have yet to use them. Obviously. I find it funny that before I got my supplies I was really loosing it. But Now I have a little more clarity. It’s like if it gets really bad my escape is right here. Since it is I can consider everything. Because there’s no considering after I do it. Unless the creator likes me enough to just let me have a near death experience and send me back a changed person. Alright I’m out. I just needed to vent a little.
I have to add that I don’t believe that all depressed people are justified in killing themselves and also that there is always room for change as long as we’re alive. I left a lot of stuff out of this rant concerning the reasons behind why I want to commit suicide. But I know that even for me there is a possibility that I could change my life for the better if I worked really hard at it. Someone let me know about something called EFT. It’s supposed to be a cure all for literally every kind of pain. Emotional and physical. I haven’t tried it yet as I don’t have the drive to live and it’s so much easier beating myself up. But the fear of hurting people that actually love me may cause me to try it soon.
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Good Luck all.