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by thisdyingsoul

i really don’t have any idea how to start my post here. this is the first time i’m posting something this major. reading your letters got me thinking about the values in life. despite what you may feel right now, there is more in life then just pain and misery, loneliness, self-loathing and hate. there has to be!

i should write some things about myself, maybe you can relate to some of my thoughts. i’m 26 years old, male, actually i’ll be 27 in just one month. i’ve never hurt myself, there was no cutting, no hitting walls, nothing. i have a family with the usual ups and downs. my father passed away 9 years ago in a car accident. that was hard to bear, well, mostly putting up with my mother who was devasteted for a long, long time afterwards, but she moved on luckily, found a nice and loving man. my brother is very intellingent and successful. seems from the outside, everything is normal – one would say. both my brother and me have catholic backgrounds. maybe our – mine for sure – beliefs weakend over time, but it is in my intention to find religion once again. i have friends, people i can share most of my thoughts, good people who would stay with me through the worst times i am sure of it. then what is the matter? why can’t i just live my life like i am supposed to? there is darkness in me and i can’t be free of it. deep down i love it and i would never let go of it. it keeps me sharp, helping me to keep my distance from things and people.

since i was 14 no day went by without me thinking of suicide. i keep thinking: “what would the world be like without me in it?” “who would miss me? what would change?” all the answers are laid out in front of me. the world would be the same. there would be wars, there would be peace, hating, loving, nothing would be different. and i keep saying to myself that no one, not one person would miss me. hell, not even my mother. but that’s all lies. we all have families, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters and no matter, i will say that again, no matter how hard or bad our relationships may be with them, we are a part of them, part of their lives, and there is no way in hell that our deaths wouldn’t take their toll on them. imagine your mother discovering your bodies lying on the ground lifeless. it would broke their hearts. but let’s not hurry. and what would change with our suicides? nothing. maybe the people who knows us would shake their heads and say “what a shame…” and then go back to their average lives.

average lives, the same lives we live. the same life that i have to live. i have a shitty job with a bad income and and asshole boss. every day is the same. i wake up, take a shower, get ready to leave to work, work, then come home. the only thing that can break this cycle with is the weekly beer we have with some friends. or the summer vacation, but that’s only once a year.

i’m bored. i can’t occupy my brain for one second. nothing interests me. the only comfort i find is in music, that is the only thing that can make me go on. i think that i only think of suicide because i am bored. because i can’t live the life i want. i want to travel. i have no desire of meeting new people. i’m terrified of the phone. and i’m afraid of a relationship. i’m selfish and i’m giving. i hate. and i can’t keep an open mind and am always negative and can barely enjoy anything. and worst of all, i can’t trust. nothing. nobody. i’m 26 and i only had 2 relationships with no sex involved. i have all the bad qualities i could go on forever. so what would the world miss out on if i’d go? nothing.

and here i am with all the desire to die, i am ready for God to take me and drag me to hell, with lots of regrets concerning my past choices, as i said in the beginning i am in pain all the time, i am miserable with nothing to look forward and i am lonely. there were some of you who said that you feel like this, empty, dark, but with a wife, a child. can’t you find comfort in the thought that you have somebody to hold you? that you have a child who smiles at you and calls for you? you are not alone. you have to go on. i can only agree with some of the previous posters, that all of you with children, all of you must go on. there is no question about it, for the child’s sake. as much as it pains me to say it – because i don’t value my life at all – the life of an innocent child is the most important and valueable in this life.

here i am writing and i can’t belive my eyes. i’m filled with the same despair and hate as you, with the same desire to just die already, with the same rage because someone else is controlling my life and i can’t do anything about it, with the same questions that you ask, without ever getting a goddamn answer, without God, with no understandig of my purpose and here i am begging you not to die. don’t kill yourselves, please… think twice, think again and again and again, no matter how hard each and every day is. please find something valuable in life that keeps you here, among us. i usually don’t care about people but i do care of all of you, each and every one of you here, your lives DO matter to me, i am here for you, you may find comfort through my pain and you may comfort me with yours.

i need friends, people whom i can talk about these thoughts, people who feel the same way i do, people to whom i can finally open up to, and all i have to cure myself are you…

finally, my name is gabe, my email is blur55@hotmail.com, my msn address is the same. if you need me, you can find me. i need you. and i need you alive.

ps. hey daniel, the uhm… 17 year old kid from texas, you please leave me alone.

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