useless life

I’m at the end of my tether, I actually feel that I’ve reached the end of the line for me. Over the last ten years or so I’ve battled feelings of despair and hopelessness. I had been studying in the hope of an academic career but repeated breakdowns made me abandon that. Now I have a job that I regard as a dead end with no real prospect for advancement, and I can’t even buy a property where I live, in the current economic climate. My goal in life was to be creative, but much of my current life is anything but. My creative efforts lately have not come to anything – I feel I may not even have anything more to say as my spirit is so broken. I feel unable to form a proper sexual relationship and the longer my current situation continues (I am 37) the more hopeless it all feels. I have friends, but feel completely alone and isolated most of the time. 5 years of counselling don’t seem to have helped. I feel particularly bad right now as my frustrations with work (I inadvertently managed to alienate and upset one of the people I had a good working relationship with) and everything else surfaced at the end of year work do and I lost control of myself, getting thrown out of the bar and losing face in front of my colleagues, looking a complete jerk. A few weeks ago I seriously contemplated suicide – I took a tab of LSD instead and things seemed temporarily better but now they are just grim again. The frustrations and feelings of uselessness are eating away at me 24/7 and I just want to put myself out of my misery.