Will I ever live without this?

December 24th, 2009by whiteylover

I’m not all that sure how to begin but I guess I’ll start here: Last year when I was a 6th grader I went to a public school like most children, but this was NOT your avarage school. Rather than school it felt like I was in hell, and that I would never escape. My teacher, instead of teaching, sat behind her desk all day not giving a damn what we did. My classmates were a bunch of bitches who cared about themselves and nothing else. Because of many things that went on in that classroom I hated going to school and eventually made up a million reasons not to go. It’s kind of hard to explain what all happened in that classroom because it’s a “you had to be there” kind of thing. Anyway, I was getting deep into depression and talked to no one about this. I didn’t see a counselor and I had no friends I could confide in, literally, no friends to talk to about this. None that wouldn’t think I was a complete freak. I had it all planned out, I had access to a gun and was going to skip school on June 11th and shoot myself while my mother was at work. I never went through with it because I didn’t have the strength. I tried to talk to my parents about things but they never listened to me and they never believed me. I was at a dead end and didn’t know what else to do. Suicide felt like the only answer, still does.

I have only talked to a few people about my situation and only 3 people know the whole story. I have never cut but it’s tempting. My friend is constantly telling me that cutting is an addiction that doesn’t solve things and that suicide is not the answer and not what God wants me to do. I get what she’s saying and I believe her all the way. But why not? Why not commit suicide? I mean it’s so much easier than living this life. I think about suicide daily and I know that if something else comes along I’ll go over the edge. I’m currently not seeing anyone and I’m not on a medication of some sort. Life really sucks and I’m not sure what to do. I just want to live life as a normal kid. God I’m only 12.  I’m involved in things at my church and I keep myself busy. I go to school, I have a job, church is the highlight of my week, I have friends, I have a voice and some friends and I randomly burst out in song, I’ve danced all my life. Most people wouldn’t think anythings wrong. But that’s far from the truth. Life is good yes, but there is something missing and that one thing is making life not worth living. I’m a devoted christian and God is my everything, but I don’t get why this has happened. We all go through trials in life and God is by us every step of the way if we let Him. I know that. But…ugh. To be completely honest, I would be dead already if I knew I wouldn’t go to hell after commiting suicide. My friend is also reminding me that thou shall not kill is one of the 10 commandments and that commiting suicide is killing. But it’s easier. A million things have gone wrong in my life and it seems like only a few things have gone right. I hate my parents, we fight and disagree daily. My brother married a two-faced ***** last  June and she’s a pain in the ass. My other brother whom I rarely see is alright I guess. My cousin, my former role model and examlpe, is a drug addict and has a thing for cutting. My aunt doesn’t keep anything a secret. My whole family decided to lie to me and tell me that my cousin was a good person, yet yesterday I found out she stole my aunts wedding ring a while back. I’m sick of life, sick of this life and nothing is going right. 2 of my other best friends constantly talk about theircurrent boyfriends and it drives me crazy, like for real stfu already! Ugh. So right now I’m writing this because I feel like writing this…..i guess. not that it will help or anything but yeah. Life is horrible and I’m sick of living it. Will I ever live without this depression and these suicidal thoughts?? I just wish something would kill me. My friend took a left turn last night during the blizzard and we ran into a huge snowbank….I was kinda wishing I had died but unfortunatly that didn’t happen. I keep wondering what would happen if I killed myself. If people would think differently of me. Who would have regrets in the way they’ve treated me. I picture myself showing up in church on a Wednesday night, walking up to my “friend” and pulling out a gun, shooting myself in the head. Would she regret being a *****? Probably not, knowing her and how self-centered she is. I would love, more than anything to shoot myself right now. There can’t be another solution. There just can’t be. Wihy shouldn’t I just end things? So I’ll end with the question once again. Will I ever live without this?

~In need of answers

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