I just feel the need to vent. Yeah, i could just write it down but having people read it feels like i can kinda make my point. I’ve had this knack of hiding what i truly feel for years. Since i was 3 years old, when i first saw someone hang themselves, I’ve thought about dying. Everyone i meet, assumes that i have a fantastic family life, Mum and Dad, all my siblings. Sooo far from the truth. People often say “you’re so lucky, i wish i was you, you’re stunning” What you look like, has nothing to do with how you feel, and trust me, no one wants to be me. The situations i’ve been in, the memories that are imprinted in my head.. It’s horrible. I hate how people judge people, the way they treat others is despicable. Just because i’m “apparently” funny, gorgeous, great personality, doesn’t mean it can’t be a show. I never accept a compliment, none of it’s true, i hate it. The first time i tried anything, i was 7 and sat in front of a train. From then on, i’ve tried to commit suicide 59 times. Everytime, someone turns up. It annoys me, it seems like i have some other purpose in life. All i try to do, is make other people happy. Then i get used, abused and accused of ridiculous things. I honestly want to be away from every human on this earth, the way they act and the things they assume. In the past year and a half, 13 close friends and family have died from suicide, and it just gives me more of a reason. The doctors just give me more pills, diagnose me with more mental issues, nothing solves these problems. I’m sick of people telling me that i’m weak, it’s an easy way out. Well you know fucking what? I don’t care what you think, not one single person who walks this earth knows everything that i’ve dealt with. I know people out there have the same type of problems, but everyones different. I’m sick of having to be the strong one, the one that everyone turns to, the one that gets calls at 2 in the morning to go help someone else thats tried to overdose. I’m sick of people belittling me because i was a drug addict at 12. Yeah, i’m 15, i grew up in that environment, it has always been there and it was the only time that i could forget everything and just do what i wanted. I want you to all stop judging me.
6 comments
No one is judging you here. At least, I am not going to. I will say, from what I understand, you have been through more in 15 years than most people experience in a hundred. Quite an accomplishment if you ask me. Yet, growing up too fast is painful…I know, I had to as well.
You have a friend in me if you would like to talk. I am not so chippy these days, as far as being satisfied with my own life, but–strangely enough–I am a very positive and upbeat person. And you’re right, many people judge. For me it has been people, so-called friends, who covet worldly devices, and try to make me feel like shit for not yearning for such material gain. It makes me mad, it feels like that are trying to murder me with their minds, like a psychic vampire would. So I have decided to gravitate toward new people, and access distance existing one’s (friends that I have in other states): quality people that I know who truly value my authentic friendship.
We are entering a very troubling age, an age where people become inconsiderate and nasty to get what they want. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I have always been selfless. I will take a bullet for a true friend, without hesitation, but there other people that I want no where near me…the trouble is, they are everywhere now.
Ah, yes. Thank you. I kinda like this thing. It’s like blogging.. for the depressed, hurt etc.
This is a pretty nice place for people to come to get it all out huh? I hate when people judge too. Like they know exactly what you’re going through. They don’t. You have a friend in me as well. I have ppl come to me to fix their problems and I don’t even know how to fix my own. I’m sick of being the strong one, just like you.
You have survived all that shit and you are only 15? Wow, you have amazing strength – don’t let anyone tell you that you are weak, because you are so, not. If you are still here after 59 attempts then I think you are right – there is a purpose for your life and when you get through this stage in your life – just keep holding on – I hope you find something very rewarding to do with it.
wow i cant believe youre only 15 and all that happened. 59 times… thats a lot O-O;;
i hate people that judge. wtf do they know? its not their life…
mm exactly.. the human race is quite despicable.