Used to it.

  January 11th, 2010 by silent

I just feel the need to vent. Yeah, i could just write it down but having people read it feels like i can kinda make my point. I’ve had this knack of hiding what i truly feel for years. Since i was 3 years old, when i first saw someone hang themselves, I’ve thought about dying. Everyone i meet, assumes that i have a fantastic family life, Mum and Dad, all my siblings. Sooo far from the truth. People often say “you’re so lucky, i wish i was you, you’re stunning” What you look like, has nothing to do with how you feel, and trust me, no one wants to be me. The situations i’ve been in, the memories that are imprinted in my head.. It’s horrible. I hate how people judge people, the way they treat others is despicable. Just because i’m “apparently” funny, gorgeous, great personality, doesn’t mean it can’t be a show. I never accept a compliment, none of it’s true, i hate it. The first time i tried anything, i was 7 and sat in front of a train. From then on, i’ve tried to commit suicide 59 times. Everytime, someone turns up. It annoys me, it seems like i have some other purpose in life. All i try to do, is make other people happy. Then i get used, abused and accused of ridiculous things. I honestly want to be away from every human on this earth, the way they act and the things they assume. In the past year and a half, 13 close friends and family have died from suicide, and it just gives me more of a reason. The doctors just give me more pills, diagnose me with more mental issues, nothing solves these problems. I’m sick of people telling me that i’m weak, it’s an easy way out. Well you know fucking what? I don’t care what you think, not one single person who walks this earth knows everything that i’ve dealt with. I know people out there have the same type of problems, but everyones different. I’m sick of having to be the strong one, the one that everyone turns to, the one that gets calls at 2 in the morning to go help someone else thats tried to overdose. I’m sick of people belittling me because i was a drug addict at 12. Yeah, i’m 15, i grew up in that environment, it has always been there and it was the only time that i could forget everything and just do what i wanted. I want you to all stop judging me.

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