Contemplating

To begin with I have considered suicide for far too long in my life. I am now 22 and when I was 15 I did try to end it. I took a bottle of asprin and landed myself in the hospital but obviously I am still alive. It didn’t do much except wreck my liver. There was a time when I was happy that my life didn’t end that night but thats not now. Last year I found out that my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t want to be with me anymore and had been talking to other women online and phone. I didn’t know what to do. I had many people tell me to break up with him but I can’t do it. I don’t want to be alone and I know I won’t find someone else.  I quit my job at the begining of last year thinking that not having the stress of the particular job anymore would help the feelings it didn’t. I was unemployed for a long time and bounced from job to job until I ended right back where I started from. Only now I am working more hours for less money and dealing with more crap than I used to. The economy here isn’t great so I don’t think I will be able to find another job anytime soon. My family is a royal mess. Christmas consisted of everyone being drunk and fighting with each other.  Then my mother kicked me out of the storage unit we share which I also payed for most of and I moved all my stuff into my house on christmas. I don’t know what to do anymore. everytime over the last couple of years that I have thought “hey maybe things will get better now” it hasn’t. Things have only got progressively worse. I don’t expect a miracle that by writing this and sharing it that I will feel better. I know that won’t happen. But I also know that I don’t have the courage to off myself for now so I will go on everyday hoping that I get the guts to do it. Or a real miracle will happen and I will figure out how to be happy.