There is darkness in my heart
Which is tearing me apart
Can I love it? No I hate it!
No one in this world can really stand it
Days are passing, nights are coming
And heart in my chest is crying
No one hears it, no one cares
Is there no hope in this place?
My dark secret I must hide
Razor blade will be my bride
She is cute and she is nice
She is curing my soul twice
One for control over it
One for comfort, so that’s it!
I’m bleeding, you can trust
Now I don’t care for the most
Most of the things I have lost
No one cared, now I’m ghost.
I wrote this short poem today. I think it can describe my feelings and desires better than ordinary speech. I’m feeling like my life is going downhill and I can’t stop it. Months of the sadness made it’s work and now the fall is too fast. First I have lost all desire in things that used to make me little bit happier before. Then I started to supress my feelings no matter what’s the cost. And now I’m writing the poems. Jesus, what will be next? I see where it all end. Maybe there is a life net waiting to save me in the very last moment. But question is “Do I want it?”
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There is light in this heart
That darkness can not shadow
There is love in this place
That no hate can erase
Hope is to be found
In the mind of this man
Though the mist is creeping in
There is love in this land
I read Darkness in my heart and could completely relate. I too have a relationship with a razor….it’s always there and it never lets me down. Somehow it takes away all of the internal pain – momentarily. The after effects suck. Like not being able to wear a short sleeve shirt in the summer. I couldn’t be in my sister-n-laws wedding because she had sleeveless bridesmaid dresses. Yet when I’m really down and my husband doesn’t understand that I feel the emotional pain down to the depths of my soul —- I just lift up one of my sleeves and show him the scarred, disgusting, ugliness and say “this is how I feel inside”
When in those moments where it’s almost impossible to see a way out I question too, “Do I want it?”
Kim: Yeah it’s a bad and good at the same time. I was thinking that if someone has a person who is so close to you (your husband) then you have to feel better because you can talk to him openly and “cry on his shoulder” if you feel bad. Now I see that’s just my stupid imagination. Nothing ever changes. Every single day I have to only struggle and struggle and I can’t be good in anything. I’m making idiot out of myself constantly. I wonder why I haven’t killed myself yet.
Entity, our illness keeps us from seeing the good in ourselves. The WORK it takes to dig through all the messages we’ve received all our lives [whether by others, or our internal voice] is daunting. There are many times I wonder why I haven’t just done it yet. I would love to be your sounding board. I’m doing much better now, than I was 2 years ago. I have been hospitalized 3 times, attended all day group therapy sessions for months, [did that twice] and went to a facility in Phoenix Arizona for 30 days. After the 30day stay I’ve been able to cope with things a little better. I’m not cured and have to realize I may never be. At this time I have no friends but would like to start reaching out. I was too ashamed to reach out until now, so you are one step ahead of me there.
Entity or Electriclollie I am in need of people who understand. Please contact me if you need a sounding board. allthingsartistic@gmail.com
-Kim