I actually just found this website today, and I figured it seemed like a good idea to try. After reading some of the other posts though I feel a little intimidated, to be honest. I don’t really know what to write, so I guess I should start at the beginning.
When I was in fourth grade, my parents split up. They just weren’t happy anymore I guess. So my dad moved into his mother, my grandmother’s house, and my mom stayed at our house. They didn’t divorce, they were just having a “temporary situation”…I lived with my mom at our house with my older sister, and every single weekend we would go over to my grandmother’s house and spend time with my dad. Although my parents barely ever saw each other, they still fought whenever they did. They both were seeing other people, and I remember thinking it was so odd that my mommy could kiss another man and my daddy could kiss another woman. And I remember I always promised myself I would never call their boyfriend and girlfriend daddy and mommy. I wouldn’t. Never. My parents stayed apart for a whole year. I remember one particular night, my dad took my sister and I to the bar where my mom and her boyfriend and all of my aunts were. And everything was crazy and I was crying so much and I just wanted to go home…And I remember distinctively, clearly, as if it was yesterday, my parents were screaming at them and I said “stop! When you guys fight it makes me want to kill myself.” …I said that, as a 9 year old fourth grader. Both my parents broke down crying. After that, I’m pretty sure they got back together. I’ve always wondered if they got back together for my sake. They’ve been together since then but they fight all the time. I’ve been depressed and have had suicidal thoughts since 6th grade. When I was in 6th grade my dad got into a really bad accident at work. He dropped a heavy piece of machinery on his back and messed it all up. So he stopped working, and all he ever did was lay in bed and sleep. I could feel myself losing my daddy more and more each day. It seemed like my daddy’s accident broke our family apart. Because of the fact that my dad couldn’t work, my mom became the only one supporting us. It’s been that way ever since – and now I’m a freshman in high school. My dad still doesn’t support us, because he can’t. They never found out what was wrong with his back, or a way to fix it. Now my mom is doing it all on her own, she works, she makes the money, she pays the bills, all on her own. Money is always tight and I’m always scared for my family, and what is in store for our future. This, of course, just increases my depression and anxiety. My mom and I have tried to get doctors to give me medicine or therapy or something, but really those attempts haven’t progressed after the first doctors appointment. Lately it seems like my family is just falling apart at the seams more and more each day. I’m also a really insecure person, and so I’m always worried about friendships and teenage drama like that. I’m still depressed and still have suicidal thoughts, and I really don’t know what to do. Suicide is honestly on my mind all of the time, and I know everyone always says it’s not the answer and everything, I just don’t know. I can’t turn to any of my friends or my family or anyone around me, because nobody understands. Being sad is like having leprosy here, or at least showing your sadness is. I’ve been looking for some answers for such a long time, and I hope someone on here has them for me.
Sorry for the length, I didn’t mean to write so much, I just couldn’t stop myself once I got going.
Also thanks for reading if you’ve read it all the way to this part.
6 comments
Dear girl. Thank you for sharing. I have read it word by word. Bless you. I can tell many things: that you are a perfectly loving girl, meant to have a beautiful life once you become an adult and can be more independent. Your writing and the detail of reasoning were very elevated and it clearly tells that you are very intelligent, considering that youa are writing and reasoning like that even when you are still in highschool. That points out to the fact that you should pursue university studies for that reason on the one side and to get the financial estability whose lack naturally makes you feel uncomfortable, or anxious. That as per your mind IQ
As per your family, it shatters me and it drives me mad of anger and frustration the millions and millions of so called families or parents who are so mean as to transmit the consequences of their errors to their children in total lack of consideration about how that can affect them emotionally. I hate it, I hate it because the children, like you were end up victimize and the kind of feelings and thoughts with which you play now and then are fully natural. However, it is very clear that you are perfectly stable, can reason great, and understand your own feelings well, which means that you are not the character unbalanced that makes things out of compulsion. Also the fact of being a girl instead of a boy makes, in some aspects react in a different way. Boys usually react by becoming aggressive. Girls by becoming depressed or anxious.
No doubt about it. The ordeal you have suffered during childhood has affected you, has shaken your fundamentals, and naturally again, makes you sad, but also very sensitive. This is going to mean that in the future, you will have the maturity, as I am seeing in the way you are dealing with this, to make right decisions when choosing your companion. Also, the sensitivity that you are developing everyday because of the daily suffering is going to be a virtue. Another point however is that, there will remain some scars of your suffering and they will come evident when put under pressure in your future relationships. Therefore, it will be important that whoever is with you learns or is able to identify the underlying reasons behind your flaws in the emotional part of your character.
So now, the best companion that you are going to have is what you already have, the ability to understand things right, and to assess facts the way you have done it in your writing. Do try to stick with the right people, friends and so. Do plan your future in a determined way, and also have the clear vision that this situation, although nasty, is temporary.
best of the hugs
Alvaro
Sometimes a confession like this can help you. I hope this vent will make you to feel better. Even a little. We are always here for you. Most of people here are in the simmilar situation as you, so don’t worry, they will understand how hard it is for you. They will not judge you for what are you doing nor how are you feeling (except that weird Jesus guy spamming here all the time, just kidding).
I am experiancing many of your feelings hun, email me if you’d like, i would love more than anything to talk to you. rjabercrombie213@gmail.com
Rachel
i understand. ive had family problems all my life. feel free to vent on here. no one is here to judge you. and if they are, ignore them there are more people here who understand how it feels to crave death, that is why most of us are here. if anyone tells you that you are wrong for having those thoughts, ignore them. there may be mean people. but we’re here. ive had some people try to pull me down. dont let them. you are not wrong for being depressed. it isnt your fault. i promise.
@wishicould, i understand where you’re coming from…Somehow I actually know you mean what you say. I’ve said the words you’ve said to me to other people, trying to get them to feel better. I appreciate you.
Ehhhhhhh,
I believe you have a lovely character.
My 8-years old daughter is now living with her mother.
But I couldn’t do much to help my daughter grow in life.
With your experience and good-natured, I wonder if I’ll have the privilege
of you to be a big sister or pen-pal through communication with her in emails !
She’s a lovely, interesting, oriental girl. And she can even type faster than me.
She would be thrilled to encounter a foreign friend.
If you don’t find troublesome in her gibberish english, she can even send you photos of her and her adventures.
Please contact me, play_with_sai at hotmail.com if you’re willing to help.