I actually just found this website today, and I figured it seemed like a good idea to try. After reading some of the other posts though I feel a little intimidated, to be honest. I don’t really know what to write, so I guess I should start at the beginning.
When I was in fourth grade, my parents split up. They just weren’t happy anymore I guess. So my dad moved into his mother, my grandmother’s house, and my mom stayed at our house. They didn’t divorce, they were just having a “temporary situation”…I lived with my mom at our house with my older sister, and every single weekend we would go over to my grandmother’s house and spend time with my dad. Although my parents barely ever saw each other, they still fought whenever they did. They both were seeing other people, and I remember thinking it was so odd that my mommy could kiss another man and my daddy could kiss another woman. And I remember I always promised myself I would never call their boyfriend and girlfriend daddy and mommy. I wouldn’t. Never. My parents stayed apart for a whole year. I remember one particular night, my dad took my sister and I to the bar where my mom and her boyfriend and all of my aunts were. And everything was crazy and I was crying so much and I just wanted to go home…And I remember distinctively, clearly, as if it was yesterday, my parents were screaming at them and I said “stop! When you guys fight it makes me want to kill myself.” …I said that, as a 9 year old fourth grader. Both my parents broke down crying. After that, I’m pretty sure they got back together. I’ve always wondered if they got back together for my sake. They’ve been together since then but they fight all the time. I’ve been depressed and have had suicidal thoughts since 6th grade. When I was in 6th grade my dad got into a really bad accident at work. He dropped a heavy piece of machinery on his back and messed it all up. So he stopped working, and all he ever did was lay in bed and sleep. I could feel myself losing my daddy more and more each day. It seemed like my daddy’s accident broke our family apart. Because of the fact that my dad couldn’t work, my mom became the only one supporting us. It’s been that way ever since – and now I’m a freshman in high school. My dad still doesn’t support us, because he can’t. They never found out what was wrong with his back, or a way to fix it. Now my mom is doing it all on her own, she works, she makes the money, she pays the bills, all on her own. Money is always tight and I’m always scared for my family, and what is in store for our future. This, of course, just increases my depression and anxiety. My mom and I have tried to get doctors to give me medicine or therapy or something, but really those attempts haven’t progressed after the first doctors appointment. Lately it seems like my family is just falling apart at the seams more and more each day. I’m also a really insecure person, and so I’m always worried about friendships and teenage drama like that. I’m still depressed and still have suicidal thoughts, and I really don’t know what to do. Suicide is honestly on my mind all of the time, and I know everyone always says it’s not the answer and everything, I just don’t know. I can’t turn to any of my friends or my family or anyone around me, because nobody understands. Being sad is like having leprosy here, or at least showing your sadness is. I’ve been looking for some answers for such a long time, and I hope someone on here has them for me.
Sorry for the length, I didn’t mean to write so much, I just couldn’t stop myself once I got going.
Also thanks for reading if you’ve read it all the way to this part.