I am a 21 year old male college student. At age 16 I was very depressed and thought suicide was a way out. After some counseling and some time, I was “better.” Then I went to college and met the woman of my dreams. Quite literally, I had this image of the perfect woman and she fit perfectly. It took a lot of effort but I eventually ended up dating her. This was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. Don’t think me so naive, I have dated women before, but this time it felt RIGHT.
She met me when I had no job, no car, no school and no life, and loved me anyways. From there I built my life up and attained all of the previous mentioned things, and made myself into a very confident person. Long, long story short we dated 10 months. She broke up with me out of the blue. There was a lot of drama involved after the breakup because we work together, go to school together, and lived together. I never cheated on her, before or after, I never once hit her. I was utterly devoted to her and would gladly give my life for hers, which is why im here.
I am madly in love, and cant escape her to get over her.Â I am a sensible person normally, attractive, smart and funny. If I wanted to i could easily get another girlfriend. But I will never find another girl like her, and she is the one I love. She really was my purpose for being in this world, so what now? How far should we go for love? I have attempted suicide twice, firstly I failed because the toaster cord was too short to reach the bathtub so i tried hanging myself with the shower head cord. It couldn’t support my weight so I went and used some cord and tried it again off the closet rack. I passed out and slipped from the cord, woke up later very upset.
I don’t really want to die. But I also don’t want a life without her in it. And as far as she is concerned I could die today and she wouldn’t care a bit. I’m exhausted from these mood swings where I get severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I am scared of myself and I am finding more and more that I have no reason not to just get it over with. The world will go on, this site will go on, everything will go on without me so why stay with such constant agony?Â The messed up part in this is that I am a suicide prevention counselor at the college. Thank you so very much to anyone who responds.