I am a 21 year old male college student. At age 16 I was very depressed and thought suicide was a way out. After some counseling and some time, I was “better.” Then I went to college and met the woman of my dreams. Quite literally, I had this image of the perfect woman and she fit perfectly. It took a lot of effort but I eventually ended up dating her. This was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. Don’t think me so naive, I have dated women before, but this time it felt RIGHT.
She met me when I had no job, no car, no school and no life, and loved me anyways. From there I built my life up and attained all of the previous mentioned things, and made myself into a very confident person. Long, long story short we dated 10 months. She broke up with me out of the blue. There was a lot of drama involved after the breakup because we work together, go to school together, and lived together. I never cheated on her, before or after, I never once hit her. I was utterly devoted to her and would gladly give my life for hers, which is why im here.
I am madly in love, and cant escape her to get over her. I am a sensible person normally, attractive, smart and funny. If I wanted to i could easily get another girlfriend. But I will never find another girl like her, and she is the one I love. She really was my purpose for being in this world, so what now? How far should we go for love? I have attempted suicide twice, firstly I failed because the toaster cord was too short to reach the bathtub so i tried hanging myself with the shower head cord. It couldn’t support my weight so I went and used some cord and tried it again off the closet rack. I passed out and slipped from the cord, woke up later very upset.
I don’t really want to die. But I also don’t want a life without her in it. And as far as she is concerned I could die today and she wouldn’t care a bit. I’m exhausted from these mood swings where I get severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I am scared of myself and I am finding more and more that I have no reason not to just get it over with. The world will go on, this site will go on, everything will go on without me so why stay with such constant agony? The messed up part in this is that I am a suicide prevention counselor at the college. Thank you so very much to anyone who responds.
7 comments
I am sorry for your loss. I came on here feeling nothing but dark and horrible feelings, but after reading what you wrote, I want to help you, more than anything right now. Heartache is unbearable, and I dont think I can understand to your extent as I have never felt love. And that is why I have tried (on multiple accounts) to commit suicide. We are at two ends of the rope, each clinging on. I don’t think you are messed up at all, the knowledge that you have from being a suicide prevention counselor makes it that much harder for you to have to go through life without dealing with depression. I am glad you wrote on here though, it means you are reaching out right? I don’t know the right things to say or to make you feel and for that I am sorry, but I want you to know that even if you feel like no one in this world is here for you, I am. We might not know each other in the “real world” but on here we have at least one thing in common and for me that is enough. I have talked to people at the http://www.samaritans.org/ and they helped, I personnally feel like when the times are extra hard..it is nice to talk to someone. To know there is at least one person in this world that wants to hear your voice. I am here for you.
Don’t give up. I too have been in a similar situation. I left him because he was a liar. And then he abandoned me because I was with child. But light at the end. I’m married now to a man I would never have thought to pick and he makes me smile everyday even when I can’t explain it or don’t want to.
I’m sorry. I am pretty much in the same boat as you. I’m 23, just graduated, unemployed… and It’s been 3 months since my girlfriend of a year and seven months broke up and I have that same exact feeling–heartbreak and feeling like I don’t want a life without her. I have no hope of being together with her again, and like you, even though I easily could get another girlfriend, I don’t want anyone but her. I feel like whale shit on the bottom of the ocean. One things for sure though, I haven’t tried to commit suicide, even though I certainly have felt like I’d rather just spend my days lying in bed rather than deal with a reality “sans her”.
If you’re a suicide prevention counselor at a college, you must already know the spiel–that it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, that “this too shall pass”, that your death will simply distribute the pain to those around you.
I’m not going to tell you that, because well, you probably already know it.
We can look at this in a few different ways though. First of all, I do not know “how far we should go for love”, but when I think about it, if someone killed themselves over me, I’d be horrified. If you love her, you’d spare her that horror. Even if she doesn’t love you anymore, I think making her feel responsible for your death is not a very “loving” act.
Two: The world is full of pain, my friend. People in Haiti right now are mourning the loss of parents, daughters, sons, husbands, wives… girlfriends, even. They are starving, without water, and homeless. When I think of that, I go, “What the hell am I complaining about?” My problems, they seem so little in comparison to that, and I’m sure a Haitian would trade places with you any day, break up and depression and all. At least you live in America, you have food to eat, a bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, and a roof over your head. Take stock of all those things too and think of all the people who would not do what you are doing in faced with a similar situation.
Three: Pain is a necessary part of the human experience. Whether we like it or not, sorrow and sadness are, valuable, and WORTH LIVING THROUGH as much as, if not more than, happiness and pleasure. Find dignity in your suffering, BE BRAVE!! You’re young, and I’m not going to be all cheery and optimistic and say that you will never feel pain again, but I can assure you, there will be other happy, ecstatic moments too. I would like to recommend a book to you, it’s by Viktor Frankl, and it’s called Man’s Search for Meaning. It has saved my life once before. Here’s a quote from it, that I read every time I feel like whale shit at the bottom of the ocean:
“The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity — even under the most difficult circumstances — to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.”
This man, he lived through a Nazi concentration camp–a literal abyss of suffering and death, devoid of all human freedoms except for one–to choose his perspective on suffering. Perspective makes all the difference in the experience and the survival of pain. Stop seeing your suffering as killing you, and see it as making you stronger.
Finally, do please, get some help–get on medications, talk to a therapist. Call your parents, your friends. I’m doing all these things, and yes, it is STILL painful, and there are days when I feel like it ALWAYS WILL BE, but how do I know that for certain? There will be scars, of course, but I do know that I have been gradually feeling better… the pain has certainly become at least manageable as time passes.
Take care of yourself man. Drink plenty of water, keep eating, exercise, go running, do some pushups and get some of that pent up despair out of you, you’ll sleep better if you do this too. Finally, when you do decide that you want to live, go help other people if you have the time–volunteer at a hospital or nursing home. You have many reasons to live, beautiful people to meet and love to both give and take.
PLEASE HANG IN THERE BUDDY AND FIGHT!! I’M FIGHTING WITH YOU!!
oh wow! thats weird that u say ur a suicide counselor but not weird at the same time because at least you can understand and all that which is what people need, they need someone to understand, i for one hope i die everyday and someday hope 2 do it but if you need anyone to talk to e-mail me
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
When I was at university, I was in love with this girl called Angela. She was my everything. We were just friends, close friends, but I knew that one day I would end up with her. There was no doubt in my mind. She had a boyfriend at the time, and after a couple of years they broke up and we became even closer. We started sharing a bed and falling asleep in each other’s arms (we didn’t have sex).
I took her with me on a camp once and she brought along a male friend. They were platonic but she spent the entire time hanging around him. I grew jealous because I realised, rightly or wrongly, that we weren’t going to end up together. She tried to reassure me, but I didn’t listen. We maintained our friendship, but my jealously put a stop to us becoming any more than friends.
I couldn’t take it. I tried to kill myself. I thought of her constantly. Even though we were never together that way. Thoughts of her brought me comfort but also pain… I couldn’t stop thinking of her. I wanted more than anything to be with her. I would have done anything. I would wait forever in pain if that’s what it took. She was perfect. I was like that for months upon months.
What saved me in the end was that I had to give up hope. I had held out hope that we would end up together after all. I wanted her to tell me that it would never be, but she wouldn’t. She said she didn’t know what the future held. I knew that I couldn’t go on the way I did. I made the decision that there was no hope – that it was never going to be. I realised that this might not be true, but I had to believe it anyway.
Making this decision alone didn’t save me. What saved me was that every time she entered my mind (and that was constant) I refused to dwell on her. I just thought of something else, anything else. At the start, this was made no difference. She was a flood in my mind. But eventually it started to work, thoughts of her entered my mind less and less.
This was a long time ago now (almost a decade) and I rarely think of her. I just heard a few months ago that she is getting married. My heart did not even skip a beat. I’ll always love her, but I’m no longer in love with her.
I think you need to make a choice. Your options are: end it all, live a life of pain thinking about her and thinking there is no other, or make the decision to move on. Maybe she was perfect for you, but there a lot of girls in this world, and almost certainly there are more who would be perfect for you too. I think inside you know what you need to do to move on, but perhaps you don’t want to move on. You are still in love with her, and you don’t want that love to end. I understand that, but it’s just bringing you more pain.
— mrdquixote@gmail.com
First ask yourself these questions. Are you gonna give up your life for a person who just treats you as their option. They wouldnt even value it dude. I have been through the same situations. After 6 years I broke off without a reason. If you are still alive then there is a purpose for it. Discover that.
Mail me if u ever want anything or wanna feel better: priyadarshini.venkataraman@gmail.com
Another love suicider like myself… I understand your pain. We’re in the same page. I lost my love and found out she was getting fucked by my close friends and tried killing myself 3 times by overdose but failed because I didn’t fall asleep to die painlessly. Apart from that 3 of my cousins have killed themselves for love. The youngest (18) fell off a cieling after getting drunk to avoid feeling pain. His head was smashed and his brain poped out on the ground… other than love, I lost my father and a brother but NO PAIN IN THE WORLD IS AS POWERFUL AS LOVE! I FULLY UNDERSTAND IT AND WOULD DIE FOR HER
I understand what you mean when you say she wouldn’t care if you died… like I said… we’re in the same page. Good luck and wish me luck.