January 5th, 2010 by asdf

GOD i want to express myself so much , but i just cant find the right fucking words …. ive been writting huge paragraphs and deleting them and starting over for bout and hour now … i want to express my feelings and my life thoroully but i cant put it fucking together ….

i read these stories below and those little paragraphs and i can really feel the pain these people have .. when i read what lives they have , and look at mine i feel like its a mistake writing here and that you guys will just think im a moron and that im just acting out .. but something that forces you to think suicidal thoughts for over a year and a half and actually lose your sanity , lose a sane mind, cant be nothing can it ?

im 18 , lithuanian , living in ireland for the last 7 years now ..ive been in a deep state of depression for a year and a half now … it all started when me and my best m8 fell out .. when we fell out , i realised how little friends i had. actually i had no friends apart from him .. for the past  year and a half my days consisted of getting up , going to school , trying to get through it , trying to get through the breaks and lunches without people noticing im all alone … [im very self concious , i have no confidence in myself , i developed a kind of  personality where im very dependant on how people view me m and i need to be viewed as a strong human being , i cant look weak. ] getting home , going on my computer , going to sleep … then it starts all over again.  for the past year and a half ive have had absolutely nobody , no friends whatsoever , no girlfriend, the girl i love has lost all feelings towards me , it took her finding someone she loves for me to realise how much im inlove with her, and im killing myself for letting her go …it kills me to see her happy with someone else..  from the lack of human contact i was starting to literally loose my mind , i was hearing voices at night , i couldnt sleep , one night it got so bad i went to parents room shaking/frightened and gasping for air … i had to sleep with them that night , a fucking  18 year old sleeping with his parents, i felt pathetic the next few weeks for not being able to deal with it myself and for looking weak in front of my parents.. over the course of the time i spent alone i thought alot about my life and that made things worse , i often cried myself to sleep at my computer… by thinking about my life i came to realise how different my life would have been if i stayed in my country , if i never left … i would probably be playing basketball profesionally by now , having a great life with all my childhood friends and all my cousins .. i tried talking to my mother about it , but instead of feeling better after the emotional conversation i felt pathetic , i started avoiding my mother and avoided talking about the topic altogether .. i never told her about my suicidal thoughts , just that i was in a state of depression..

in desperation for human contact i got involved with a bad crowd, i started drinking very heavily when i went out on weekends , and my jaw is out of place right now  because i got knocked out one night … i started smoking weed .. im praying this will never get so bad that ill resort to stronger drugs … i dont want that to happen….

Now for some reason, wanting to die comes and goes  … i have turned very emotional .. i guess what i didnt tell you is that i tried to get my life in order ,  i would go out, i try to aproach girls and people but getting rejected all the time has  dealt heavy  blows to my emotional state… [i hope you get the point im trying to get a across] many saturday nights i came home early , sick of rejection , sick of loosing any self confidence i have … it has come to a point where if i go to a bar i stand in a corner drinking…so as i was saying i have turned very emotional, i would come back from the town one night depressed as usual and want nothing but to kill myself , this can go on for days or weeks , then it goes away , until something again happens to put me in a state of depression  , and that something comes along very quick , after any human contact i receive , which usualy further lessens my self confidence,  i once again go into a state of depression… im in a very unhealthy state of mind right now … every time something bad happens , i beat myself about it so much , i dont know why , its what i became in that time , this part of my personality changed..

although right now as im writting this letter im not suicidal,but i know that one day this depression that comes and goes , wont go away and  i will commint suicide .

i guess this is the best way i can put it my english isnt as good as someone who speaks it their whole life but i tried my best to get my point across … i spent more than 2 hours on this , writing and deleting paragraphs , trying to find the right words … so thank you so much for reading and if u have anything to say to me pls comment .

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