When I was young, I was the nerdy kid that no one liked.Â All of the adults in my life kept telling me that I was going to end up doing something really special, because I’m smart and learn new things easily.Â So I kept clinging to that hope, that someday my life would not suck.Â Well, it sucks, and it still sucks, and I’m tired of it.
I went to college and had my heart set on becoming a high school history teacher.Â I knew the job prospects weren’t great, but I had a bunch of people telling me to follow my heart and the job will come.Â Well, I followed my heart, and all I got was a diploma that looks pretty on a wall.
I went back to college to get a degree in accounting, because people told me that financial careers are always in demand.Â I graduated just when the economy took a nosedive and started shedding jobs like fleas.Â The only job I could find in my shitty town was babysitting kids during the day and tutoring them at night.
I went back to college AGAIN to get a degree in a healthcare field, because people told me that healthcare careers are recession proof.Â Well guess what folks, they aren’t recession proof.Â I’m going to be graduating in seven and a half months, and despite the fact that this career looked very promising two years ago, it’s gone downhill fast.Â New grads from last year still can’t find work.Â There are no job openings for new grads except “per diem” and those are all out of state, and there’s no way that I can move to another state where I know absolutely no one with no promised set of hours.Â I might only get called in one day a month.Â How can you live on $200/month?Â Answer: you can’t.
So I’m 29 years old, turning 30 in a couple of months, and I have no job prospects.Â I live with my parents, and they are decent people, but they’re getting sick of me hanging around.Â They’ve made it clear that they want me out as soon as I graduate, and I can’t say that I blame them.Â My dad is sick (he has leukemia) and they don’t need me living here.
I’ve tried religion and it doesn’t help.Â I was a “born again Christian” for years, until I realized that it was just a load of bunk.Â Then I tried all sorts of other different religions, but none of them were any better.Â I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that there is no god, or if there is, he/she/it/they/etc doesn’t care about us pitiful humans.
I try to talk about my depression with other people and they don’t listen.Â Or they tell me to “pray more.”Â Yeah, that doesn’t help.Â I’m sure god is going to listen to my prayers when he couldn’t be bothered to save 200,000 lives in Haiti.Â How arrogant to think that my life means more than one of theirs.
I don’t want to die, but I don’t see any good alternatives here.Â It brings me to tears sometimes to think about how this is not what I wanted my life to be, but I’ve made some horrible choices and I just can’t live with them any longer.
I’ve finally accepted the fact that I am going to end my own life.Â I have even picked a day.Â I’m considerate until the end; I chose a day that isn’t close to any of my family’s birthdays or the holiday season.Â I just don’t know how I’m going to do it yet, but I’m sure that knowledge will come to me soon.Â The plan is all fitting together.