When I was young, I was the nerdy kid that no one liked. All of the adults in my life kept telling me that I was going to end up doing something really special, because I’m smart and learn new things easily. So I kept clinging to that hope, that someday my life would not suck. Well, it sucks, and it still sucks, and I’m tired of it.
I went to college and had my heart set on becoming a high school history teacher. I knew the job prospects weren’t great, but I had a bunch of people telling me to follow my heart and the job will come. Well, I followed my heart, and all I got was a diploma that looks pretty on a wall.
I went back to college to get a degree in accounting, because people told me that financial careers are always in demand. I graduated just when the economy took a nosedive and started shedding jobs like fleas. The only job I could find in my shitty town was babysitting kids during the day and tutoring them at night.
I went back to college AGAIN to get a degree in a healthcare field, because people told me that healthcare careers are recession proof. Well guess what folks, they aren’t recession proof. I’m going to be graduating in seven and a half months, and despite the fact that this career looked very promising two years ago, it’s gone downhill fast. New grads from last year still can’t find work. There are no job openings for new grads except “per diem” and those are all out of state, and there’s no way that I can move to another state where I know absolutely no one with no promised set of hours. I might only get called in one day a month. How can you live on $200/month? Answer: you can’t.
So I’m 29 years old, turning 30 in a couple of months, and I have no job prospects. I live with my parents, and they are decent people, but they’re getting sick of me hanging around. They’ve made it clear that they want me out as soon as I graduate, and I can’t say that I blame them. My dad is sick (he has leukemia) and they don’t need me living here.
I’ve tried religion and it doesn’t help. I was a “born again Christian” for years, until I realized that it was just a load of bunk. Then I tried all sorts of other different religions, but none of them were any better. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that there is no god, or if there is, he/she/it/they/etc doesn’t care about us pitiful humans.
I try to talk about my depression with other people and they don’t listen. Or they tell me to “pray more.” Yeah, that doesn’t help. I’m sure god is going to listen to my prayers when he couldn’t be bothered to save 200,000 lives in Haiti. How arrogant to think that my life means more than one of theirs.
I don’t want to die, but I don’t see any good alternatives here. It brings me to tears sometimes to think about how this is not what I wanted my life to be, but I’ve made some horrible choices and I just can’t live with them any longer.
I’ve finally accepted the fact that I am going to end my own life. I have even picked a day. I’m considerate until the end; I chose a day that isn’t close to any of my family’s birthdays or the holiday season. I just don’t know how I’m going to do it yet, but I’m sure that knowledge will come to me soon. The plan is all fitting together.
7 comments
When is the date? Maybe we could do it on the same day?
dont i tried on the 19th of jan 2010 i kno how u feel i am also the nerdy kid if u want to email me and talk about it plz i need sum1 to tlk to and so do u maybe we can help each other
kcvoodoo@yahoo.com
i just read some of what u wrote like the part where people say pray and all that which is complete crap i cant stand that either…honestly please dont do it im here i know exactly how u feel and w/e so e-mail me!
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
Am I missing something here?
It’s of course your decision but at risk of being frank and sounding like a total ***** I must say that this is a really bad reason to suicide.
The economy will get better. The government is providing different ways for people to sustain themselves. You have all of this education and when the economy gets better you will have so much opportunity.
Also it wouldn’t be the worst thing to move. There are plenty of people doing it. My sister just moved out of state for the very same reasons. Join a group and meet new people. There are people all over the country going through this right now. For god’s sake I wish I were you. I don’t care if you’re a man, women, fat, ugly, have a cone shaped head or all of the above. You didn’t list any other reason for wanting to commit suicide outside of work. If this is the only reason why you want to check out, then fuck, realize the saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem was made for situations such as this.
With your amount of education you can travel to different places and help people which will be fulfilling on many different levels. Your life could be great. Fucking better than great. I’m trying to lend a helping hand but I am freaking flabbergasted. I fucking hate myself (for a multitude of reasons). That’s why I want to die. You are what, an over achiever? Umm very conscientious? You have a teaching degree. You can travel to different countries to teach people. Go to Japan, Spain. Anywhere! You apparently love to learn and have a lot of dedication. Learn a new language.
You probably don’t believe this but when we suicide we fuck up the balance of the tapestry of existence. So basically you are made to reincarnate and you will have to deal with the same types of feelings and problems all over again. But from the outside looking in, you don’t seem to have any significant problems to want to die over. You said you made some mistakes so maybe I’m missing something? I don’t see how getting 3 degrees in very viable fields can be a mistake. If those are your mistakes. Lets trade mistakes please I am begging you.
OPEN YOUR EYES AND HAVE A GREAT FUCKING LIFE!!!!!!
Hey its been a year, are you alive dear, how are you doing now… I feel your pain bro. I too am in the same situation as yours, may be we could talk.. Vaishakh.010@gmail.com
i would just say….whatever you do always try to give ur best…….leave the rest….evrything will be fine..
I am there right with you in a very dark place at the minute trying to pick myself up not scared of dying more scared of what I’m leaving behind it’s not the fact that I wanna do it is the fact that on that LOL picking myself up not an option on days are blah too many days just run into one am I what I try just picking my moment