This task is just too difficult to complete. I honestly see myself dying old and alone if I keep on living. I’m the youngest person in my immediate family. I Refuse to bare children and pass on my fucked up genes to some poor child that has no chance of being normal with me as a mother. Coming from a family that isn’t very close to begin with I would most definitely grow old and become one of those poor old people that society just throws away. I’m close to being there already at the age of 22. It’s just that my parents wont give up on me. But what about when they’re gone?
Do I just try and stick it out another 40 years? My parents are surely stubborn enough to stick around until they’re well near 100 to see me finally be happy. I just wish that they could see that I’m a failure as a person. I cannot connect with anyone. I am not normal. I have no choice but to be alone. And it’s so difficult to bare. I’ve developed a spasm in my left leg muscle. I think that it’s from hitting the right side of my head so much and so hard. I hope that I haven’t caused any permanent damage. It just happens when these memories come into my head.
I have a very dark secret. I don’t think that I love my family. It’s so complicated. My worst fear is to hurt them. But when I really think about it I don’t feel like I love them. I cant really remember the last time that I felt love. What is love? How do you know when you feel it? I actually think that I felt love for my parents when I was a child. I remember adoring them. My mom especially was the center of my world. But at a certain time, I can’t really remember when, I just started to feel numb. Maybe it was when my misery became the center of my world. I think that I hate myself the most for this. Not feeling love for my parents and my siblings. What the fuck is wrong with me? I wish that I could just unmake myself. Just not be anymore. Why must I exist? I know there is a plan. But why me? I hate myself. Why do I have to have these people that love me. I should have been born into a fucked up family with an absent father and a mother that resented me. A mother that secretly hated me. Then it wouldn’t be a problem. I’d just down that darvon and be done with this life. I’d go off in the here after and will myself into oblivion. Just not be. I want that more than anything. I think more than anyone has ever wanted anything. I just want to not be.