I don’t want to be anyone or anything. I don’t want anything out of life. The more I learn the more it seems that everything is just a thoughtless process. I don’t like coffee, or beer, or cigarettes, or art, or sports or social activities. I actually find these things so useless that they scare me. I try to research these things and find out why people do them. To try and not be scared. I research how to interact with people. I observe. People laughing, people hugging, people crying. And I try to imitate them. Try to be human. Try to find a way to live.
But I never really cry. I don’t really hug. And I can’t really love.
This is just me.
And I am Sleeping in the Nothing.
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4 comments
I feel like you do. It seems like everything is purposeless. I am trying to find a way to live in a world I don’t understand and never felt like I belonged in. What other people do and why they do is a big mystery to me. I don’t find myself interested and absorbed by anything to the point that I want to continuously participate and immerse myself in them like other people. I feel like I shouldn’t be here. But I don’t know where I should be. I can’t imagine a place or time or situation where I think that I would belong. I ask myself what I would most like to do and I come up with nothing. I don’t feel connected to anyone. I keep hoping that things will be different the next time that I wake up. That I will suddenly be changed, a round peg. I want so badly to find some way to plug in. Meanwhile, I live in the Nothing.
i understand so i better hear from you! 🙂
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
“But I never really cry. I don’t really hug. And I can’t really love.”
– I really envy you.
I don’t know if you are saying you envy me because I don’t cry…. But I didn’t really want to say that instead of crying I get panic attacks and start throwing up. Because I thought I might seem a little crazy that I have to teach myself to cry instead of throwing up.
I don’t know if you were being sarcastic or not with your comment though, sorry.