Just why?

  January 25th, 2010 by electriclollie

Okay so at first look one would obviously think I’ve got it going good. I’ve got a beautiful son a husband and lots of friends. I’m still maintaining a job even through out this terrible recession or whatever you want to call it. There are just some things I can’t seem to get passed. And now my husband has found that his father for all intensive purposes has cancer that would normally kill a person 3 years after diagnose and he has been laid off so I can’t talk to him as he is already depressed.  Hopefully this will help.

I’ve always been the upbeat never give up kinda girl but this past three or so years have been terrible for me.  I’ve been diagnosed with DID OCD MPD and a kind of reality severance disorder. I’m trying to work through the fact that an entire family that were my friends were never real and that everyone else knew that but never told me. With my husbands depression he has become extremely aggressive picking fights and screaming. Which doesn’t help but what can I do. I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends if they could just let me lie to myself day after day. And it wasn’t a good lie either. Certain parties involved “hurt” me “died” horrible deaths and various other things that just weren’t healthy for me to deal with especially when they weren’t happening! Even my own mother and husband played along. Now he expects me to just move on and be normal. What is normal I have to ask? Letting people destroy their mental state? Maybe in the end it does make things easier for me, but now I can’t trust anyone. On top of this I have recently discovered the job I have wanted since third grade (I have alot of stick-to-it in me once it’s decided that’s usually it) I can’t do because I have an extreme case of junior arthritis only adding to my many physical health problems. Ugh. Now I don’t even know what I want to do with myself. Cause it’s not work at The Fresh Market bakery my entire life (shoot me now please if that’s all I’ve got) Adding insult to injury the latest bouts of screams from my husband called me a “useless meandering liar who is completely selfish and cares for no one but herself” (not exact but exact is really long) I know it’s just him being angry at himself or whatever and he’ll apologize soon, but as someone (I admit to only you) who has always deemed themselves a failure I feel even worse than usual. I don’t know. Or I do really. After seeing my mom go into deep depression after her marriage of 27 years broke up I know all the signs. I’m tired but can’t rest. I have little to no appetite, and when I am hungry I want to over eat and not on carrots guys. I blame myself for every little thing knowing I’m doing it but I still feel it’s my fault somehow. Honestly I couldn’t have given his dad a rare cancer but still the misery caused… I feel as if I’m to blame. Which makes me feel crazy… I hate that feeling. I’ve been baker acted before and I promised myself never again (thus my attempt here) I’ve been trying to quit smoking but it’s the only thing I can really fall back on. I feel terrible and worse for feeling that way.  I want to be the tragic hero at least but I feel I’m playing the villain. *slams head on keyboard* God this sucks. I’m running in circles and if I try to get out I’m surrounded by holes and fake smiles.

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