i dont know what i can do to be happy. ive been fighting this battle since i was 12. i love cutting myself, its sick i know. but being able to see the blood flowing down my arms excited me. ive been using drugs since i was 15. my drug of choice/choices was xnax and heroin. i did xnax alot more then i did heroin. i recently was hospitalized for attempting suicide for the 3rd time. the last time i tried killing my self, my best friend got there right in time before i jumped. she ended up taking me to the hospital where i sat there for about 7 hours. i think i probably traumatized her. when she seen me there was blood all over the place and i had a chain around my neck. she basically beat the shit outta me to get down. yes to this day i still have suicide thoughts. but there not as bad…. when i went to the hospital, they detoxed me, so im not taking xnax anymore. im miserable. i seem happy on the outside but in the inside im crying out for help. i have no one to talk to anymore, they all left me. my best friend is/was a heroin addict. yea great right. i havnt cut since i went to the physc ward. do i have the urge yes i do. i compared my cutting to my best friends addiction. he was addicted to puttin the needle in his arm and i was addicted to putting the blade to my wrist, arm wherever i could cut my self up at.Â im sick and twisted i need help. im basically a fake, meaning my emotions. i show people what they want to see. im not happy with who i am. i feel like i have failed everyone around me, and that im bringing everyone down around me. i need help. someone help me please. save me from this monster i have created within me….. please i beg anyone to help me….