No more waiting, no more hoping.

  January 17th, 2010 by Peace

Hi, i have been thinking about suicide for a rather long time and i have tried to deal with the problem and i don’t want to get on constant meds or longterm treatment, 3 years ago it just got worse and worse, being rejected by friends and all and just acting as a mere helpful tool to my fathers family.

I have even wrote here twice before, one about how i felt and that i really wanted to commit suicide and one about what is now my very first ex-girlfriend who also suffered from depression and yes i know it was bad just by starting the relationship since we’d not last, yet to say i can say that even that this relationship tore on my strenght and feelings i felt reniewed and i didnt feel that rejected anymore, i promised myself that id go out and get new bonds, new friends but after i while i realized that i didnt really have any in real life friends, i had one whom has stopped answering and obviously dont want to keep in touch..

These issues are just ordinary and should maybe workout well but i cant even seem to keep in touch with people through msn anymore and when i constantly check a webpage to see if my contacts are still there i always see new people that has removed me from their msn lists and its getting smaller every month and i have tried to really become social and find someone to be with but i cant really help it anymore, now i have spent 3 new years eve alone and im about to spend my 4th birthday alone turning 21 and im starting to get really sick and tierd of these sleepless nights, constant dreams about me dying and lonlelyness, with time i’ve grown bitter and i feel more like an 80 year old than my actuall age, i have even tried 2 communitys and added 3 people to the msn and i have acted all happy and goofy sending smileys and wrote some jokes i heard before and yet it feels like im lying to them and to myself, i dont feel happy at all and i dont even feel depressed anymore i think.. i just feel empty.. Life seems to be meaningless and the only logical way is to end my life, not only because of this problem but since my backround havnt been the brightest since i have an overprotecting father and a mentally instable mother whom i havnt seen in about 9 years now, i tried to keep in touch with my sister and tell her about this but she has a child now and are in a happy family enivroment so i dont want to burden the person i look up to.

There isnt anyway to track this mail down i guess but what i suffer from the most is that im frightend of the pain that comes with suicide, i think i can manage to keep this mask on for a while to the few i got in touch with on msn but.. gosh i never really thought id ask for this.. is there anyone out there that could help me.. not save me but strenghten me to finally die, i have settled it to make it look kind of an accident, with strong alcohol and the nordic winter i can simply drink and undress into shorts and t-shirt and doze off in the snow and from then die, its pretty well planned and im thinking of doing it the day i turn 21 in the early februari which is one of the coldest months,the weather seems to be stable so its about -20 during that month on and off.

Im looking for help to kill myself, motivation of anykind, i keep pushing the time forward yet i know i will only feel worse and will eventually not do it but live a isolated and souless life while everyone outside the window is jumping with joy..

If you are out there and feel & think as i do could you suggest any chatrooms or send me anyway to contact you?

PS: I dont belive in god and 4 people here sent their emails so we could just talk but in time we spoke they all seemed to think that all i needed was god and hope and happy pictures of kittens and so on so i simply said i was a satanist which got them to remove me pretty quick, im not one though but in a simple way of telling; I dont care about any religion and hope so dont waste your time please.

I hope you others who read this find your call in life and if not i guess we will meet the same fate.

/Farewell

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