Saved by the bell?maybe, not sure -part3…

Made it to another day, which probably means I will make it through another day. Though if I don’t I can’t say I would be upset. Everyday just keeps getting harder than the one before, I am so ready to end the pain, well at least this pain since I don’t know what if any pain awaits me on the other side. I am to the point that the only thing that keeps me going is thinking of each day of pain as the penance I must pay for my sins, past, present and of course the big future one. I have to somehow today gather the strength to put myself back together somewhat, I have to go out and face the world this weekend and I need to be able to hide some of the pain so it is not so obvious what my intentions are. I should have just done it by now, I knew things weren’t going to be better by today, why do I keep fooling myself into thinking that my life can be saved. I have known for awhile now that I am dead, my soul was torn asunder so I am merely a walking shell, dead inside,  my body just hasn’t realized it yet….