Saved by the bell?maybe, not sure.

  January 6th, 2010 by readytoctb

I thought today would be the day I would start to put things in motion. That today I would begin the countdown for when I would CTB. The plan was set, it was just a matter of gathering what I needed and setting a date and time, but life has gotten in the way. I received the most microscopic slivers of hope today and I am not sure what to do. Do I continue with what I have planned or do I delay and see if this .001% chance of redemption becomes more. I feel I owe it to myself to wait and see, but the pain doesn’t seem to agree. The pain tells me the chance is too small and will become nothing, so why put off the inevitable. I am so confused right now, is such a small glimmer of hope worth the continuous and never ending agony I have been in and will continue to be in. I have the worst timing in the world, no matter what I decide it always seems it is to little to late or maybe too much to soon. If I choose to wait it may just end up being that I make myself suffer for another few weeks or even months for nothing. Then again if I don’t wait I could be ruining the only possibility I have left. Maybe I will just sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow, or maybe I will get lucky and go in my sleep and the decision will be made for me.

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