Thinking about it again

This is a continuation from what I posted maybe 6 months ago. http://suicideproject.org/2009/08/i-may-sound-conceited/

I’ve had so much happen to me these past 6 months, and not a day passed without me thinking more about suicide. I got rescinded from college because I got a D in English. I was accused of cheating on my homework by my teacher even though I didn’t even do the homework, nor did I attempt to write anything on any sort of paper. I got kicked out of my Mom’s house when she found out I got rescinded, so I had to live at my Dad’s. I went to community college learning interesting stuff in the most inefficient manner possible.(Except Japanese. One of the few joys I had in the past 6 months because my teacher was so funny and reminded me of myself) The commute to school was a whopping hour and a half one way on bus.  I pretty much failed most of my classes because they were so boring. My dad then proceeded to come home every night yelling at me about how I’m a disappointment, so I moved back to my mom’s because she cooled off. I told her I’m quitting college and she tells me that if I don’t find a job and move out within a month, I’m going to be kicked out again, and I’m not going to move back to my dad’s house because that would be worse than death. I cannot find a job since I have only a high school degree with no job experience and the job market is so bad that I’m starting to think they should lower minimum wage. When I look for jobs every day, I find myself having no motivation to look for a job because every day I come home with absolutely nothing accomplished. It feels so shitty working for no reason. It also feels shitty that I could do jobs better than other people, and yet still don’t have a job.

These experiences got me thinking about things. Why are my parents like this? Did they just plan from the moment I was born that I was going to be a huge success and make lots of money because I was smart? Were they just planning to throw me away if I wasn’t a conformist? They always tell me that because they are older and have more experience in life that they know what’s best for me. That is true to some extent, but I also found that I am smarter than many people who are older than me, and some old people are just fucking retarded. Just look at all the people who are buying into Scientology and Catholicism. I’m even regretting putting those words as proper nouns. Also, why have I put myself through so much pain in school when the school system was obviously broken? Did I expect myself to be able to change it from the inside or something? Now I know that my whole life so far has been a total waste. That’s okay with me though since all our lives are essentially wastes. My belief is that there really is no purpose to our lives, so might as well try and be happy, and make others happy.

I say all this, but why am I such a damn *****. 6 months ago I want to kill myself, and I still do, but this irrational human side of me says not to. Everything is just over if I kill myself. The whole world is built off of irrational human thinking. Laws and rules wouldn’t exist if everyone thought rationally and compassionately. Laws exist only to prevent selfishness from taking too much away from society. I’m in a world ruled by complete retards and shallow selfish assholes. But also, I don’t find myself donating all my money to Haiti where it could be put to better use. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so selfish? Why do I feel that I deserve this money that I have? None of us deserve anything! I know this and yet I hold onto my money for dear life. I spend 10 dollars for a movie which could have been spent in Haiti to feed someone for a week. I spend 40 dollars for a video game which could save a life in a third world country.

I feel like I have no control over my life. If I don’t find a job within a month, what am I going to do? I still find myself only interested in video games and anime. I love playing games with people online. They are such fun people, and I feel like there’s nothing wrong with me doing this, since I cause no trouble for anyone else, make myself happy, and make others happy too. Other people feel this is a problem though, since I SHOULD be doing real life shit that makes no sense to me. I’m so tired of everything. I’m done talking. Maybe I’ll post again some other time. Email me at thisemailisfake249@gmail.com if you want to talk.