Those damn feelings

  January 13th, 2010 by Entity

Life is a piece of shit. You want something, and when you actualy get it you’re feeling much worse than before. Why the heck most of the people are so calm in ordinary life situations while I’m scared to hell when I experience that. Today it was the same. But it was a little bit different and little bit worse. After a call with one man, I started trembling. I felt anxiety, my head has been hurting and I couldn’t stand it. I was finding how can I get rid of that fucking feeling. I took a shot of some hard alcohol but it didn’t help. Then I suddenly remembered of the opinion that physical pain is better than psychic. So I started to bite to my arm, but it wasn’t enough painful. After that I tried to scratch myself with nails, that was much better. And after a while I was searching in my room for razor blade. I found a pair of compasses instead of it. Better than nothing was my thought. With a needle on it I scratch myself. And it was fucking amazing. The second scratch I made with a more pressure so it went a deeper. After that I was feeling like someone gave me a magical pill. I can’t describe that. You know a needle on compasses isn’t sharp enough. It will rather tear up your skin than cut straight through it, so you have more pleasure with less blood. Now I can’t understand why I didn’t start with this a years ago. My left arm looks like a bad kitty was playing with that for some time. Anyway I hope that when I will go to sleep then everything will be all right again at least for 7 or 8 hours. I wish I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow but it’s a dream that no one will grant me. That’s the same for wish that one time I will be like the others. They don’t care for some situations. For them it’s a routine. For me it’s a unbelievably hard to deal with them.

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