Thoughts, etc.

  January 30th, 2010 by Loading

I’ll start with the simple details. I’m a 16 year old blond spanish/italian blooded atheist kid born in Denver with a very sex appealing look and brother of a famous person on MTV who knows most big stars from Jack White to Jimmy Page, and even all famous latin american stars worth being named.

I’ve had a recent interest in reading other people’s suicide stories because I admire fairy tales and stories like Romeo and Juliet with dreadful endings; explains the reason I’m here and had a sudden interest in writing my own story… and unlike others I’ll be very detailed and open minded when explaining because I’ve noticed most people here are too edgy -example: “yeah… my life sucks man… imma kill myself blablablalbala im fat blalbblla” – It’s really hard to appreciate a story when the writer doesn’t redact properly.

I’m also a composer/poet with romantic influence and I’m oftenly inspired by baroque classical music such as Händel amongst others. In total I’ve written over 200 poems and nearly 100 compositions on piano and I’m very versatile as I also write rock/pop songs, several fugues and have a high vocal range and incredible creativity/imagination comparable to the likes of Freddie Mercury with a higher dosage use of falsetto/vibrato…

I happen to be very unhappy and suicidle for a reason: an unrequited love… the same thing that inspires me to create art is killing me; mostly because of pride and vanity being the most popular kid in school with the most girls following me, yet I’m very humble and don’t brag like I’m doing now (just to share my life story on this site) and reject ‘whores’ yet fell in love of one (currently a whore but I actually fell in love of an angel). In total I’ve been through 3 failed suicides by overdose… after failing the first one I pretended my original persona (myself) was dead and invented a new name to pretend I’ve never been through the pain of love at all, I did this after every failed suicide and it worked till jealously backfired me seeing her getting fucked by my friends/foes (only 14 years old not even being sexually sensitive… bad influence these days!!!!! don’t you agree?) and remembering the details. why did I fail? – I took several dozens of sleeping pills and mixed them with alcohol but the problem is that I failed to fall asleep and die painlessly… experiencing an overdose awake is extremely dramatic as your heart accelerates at an incredible rate and punches you back and forth, not to mention the other side effects such as blood, vomit, etc. Failed suicides only hurt, my incredible vocal range was damaged dramatically after having a doctor put a tube down my throat… then the painful shots…

My problem started around 3 years ago when I fell in love of the most kind and “clean” girl that the most she ever did was look at pictures of cute boys and not be… well a cruel whore like now. I’ve written all those poems/compositions and counting for her… I even invited her to meet famous people and asked for special favours; all just to be spit in the face emotionally and sliced in pieces by my own fatigue of an adorned emotion chamber. Blocked on facebook, messenger, etc… words such as – I hate you, you’re weird – stalker – repulsive – etc. etc. – (yesterday being the most recent confrontation… and last… hopefully ^.^… you know what I mean! hehehe) come raging towards me and attack a “repulsive” monk of a being like me. -“weird?” – I think – Just because I’m unique, bi, and closed to most people as I’m a great actor when it comes to pretending emotions and happiness, I’m only open in my art as I find it a way to express myself but it’s no cure at all and the message is denied by the reason itself… life itself is an act from my point of view, meaningless pictures come and go just to fade away in the mist of the word “reality”. Life itself is a cosmic blink in a practical way. To me, we’re characters and after dying only memories of us are left… so I try to create a great character every once in a while to stick with it. Unfortunatly, my role is real and I’m forever like a feather floating in the sky out of emergence like life itself… my philosophical views are “animals (including humans) exist to reproduct themselves or as aristotle once said, to be happy” that equals love from my point of view… combining out animal needs with happiness… it is to love but not invane, if you can’t get that objective then there’s no point in life unless you have a different perspective… all animals fight and die for love, it is only natural.

My main philosophy (personal) is SHE -the person I love- is EVERYTHING equal -don’t get her, no point to continue- but then my pride and vanity wants me to be selfish and go on to be famous like my sister… to beat Mozart and all composers and become a legend to atleast have my character remembered. But my philosophy doesn’t agree with it. There’s a constant debate in my mind but I’m coming to an auto conclusion because of a stake… a time limit which is about to expire which will choose death by default if I don’t decide what to do.

There’s too much to share with you kind readers. I don’t know how to continue so I’ll conclude this post written by a humble lover of thorns.

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