So, here I’m again. For a past few days I was thinking like it’s getting better. OK, no more depression, it was just an illusion. You are not really depressed. Just a moron who thinks that he has a bad life even though his life is a godlike from an objective point of view. But this morning all hope was gone. Here I’m again thinking about the fact that tomorrow I will get an ultimate chance to finish it. It’s so easy, just take a plastic bag, fasten it around neck and wait. 1 minute, 2, 3, 5, 10 end… So what the hell I’m affraid of? Would I be missing this life? Not at all. Sure there are things that I will miss such a music, sunset, summer storms, but I will get rid of so many bad things in my empty pathetic meaningless life full of pain. What will I do? Am I able to try it at least? Am I so weak that I can’t even try to finish my life? I wanna cry, but I can’t. That’s weird because when I was in early teen age I was crying relatively a lot. But now I can’t. I haven’t been crying in 10 fucking years and I want it so much, but my body stops me everytime when I try to get myself sob. It would relieve some pain, it would… Seems like my fear of people started when I stopped crying. My body is scared that maybe I have only 24 hours left. My mind doesn’t care because my mind is already dead and one part of me is sitting here and longing for the end. When I imagine the situation when I have my head stuck in that bag I’m happy, but also afraid. What if I end up in hospital with coma or unable to move but still consciousness. When I think that in friday I will no longer exist I feel scared. But why? That’s not me who is scared it’s my body. What’s the thing that holds me back. My family? Yeah they will be sad after I will be gone. For what? I was just a unimportant part of their lifes. Not someone who they really need. I was even yelling at them sometimes. I hate myself for that. They seem like they didn’t care or they know that I didn’t mean it that way. Now I’m in situation when I want to be dead and don’t want it at the same time. But I promise myself that I will try it. One day, maybe not tomorrow, but one day for sure. God only if I have a nerve to do that. I want it. I will do it. Someday.
Anyway I’m sorry to bother you with a post that doesn’t make sense, but I just needed to pubish it somewhere and not just delete it all, like a many times before.