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Who am I ?

by annadawn

I’ve thought about death. I haven’t thought about killing myself yet but i’ve thought how it would be like after i die. I don’t want to kill myself but it feels like the only answer I’ve got. I’m not happy. I’ve tried smiling at everyone but it just seems like a waste of time. It does not make me happy. My grades have dropped . My friend s think I’m stupid. I’m useless. I love God but I don’t have the insurance’s that his there. What if my Gods not real. What if Jesus is not there? I feel terrible even thinking about these things. What if all of man kind is fighting to go to somewhere wonderful after death but there’s nowhere……nothing….zero….? I can’t live like this…My parents say I’m a disappointment. My sisters say Ive got no brains and Everything would be better after i die. On Monday I’m going to the counselor….Shes my last hope….Save me!! Tell me there’s something to live for!!! I wanna live for God!!! But how!!! I can’t act!! I can’t sing!!! I can’t even communicate to him!!! I’m so down all the time…..ALL THE TIME!!!

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Selfish 1/30/2010 - 5:19 pm

It sounds like you’re having a crisis of faith. If you choose to live you must live for the betterment of yourself and for those around you. Nothing else. It is very hard for some of us. Though maybe for some when they find out what’s important it makes things easier? I wish it did for me. But I’m not such a normal person. Yet I know what’s important (don’t listen to my other Debbie Downer posts). The only important thing is love. Love yourself and this enables you to love others. Though don’t expect to always be in circumstances that will make you happy. You can shape and mold the life that you want but there will always be obstacles to overcome. You learn a lot from obstacles.

This is just my belief and not gospel. I thoroughly believe in God. But I don’t believe that God wants us to spend our lives searching for it. God is in you and all around you like the movie says. We are all here together for a reason. To impact one another. I personally believe that we’re here to exact utopia in this existence some how (crazy I know). Just not anytime soon in our generation you know. But think about it, if life was just about seeking out god then don’t you think “he’d” at least be on top of a mountain some where? Are we supposed to forget everything and everyone else that God put us here with? Really think about that. God is always here. God is in you. And God will be there when you wake up from this dream that we call “life”. And if your faith falters and you forget God’s existence that’s okay too. This is only an experience. But you should believe in yourself don’t you think?

Your grades have dropped because you’re depressed maybe? Maybe you don’t know why you’re in school in the first place? Idk I wont pretend to be able to read your mind. The classes are just to get you from point a to point b. If you don’t do perfectly at this time it’s not the end of the world. Seeing a counselor is a great step. You have to take it one step at a time. It’s very difficult to do well at work or school when you’re depressed. Maybe you just need a low dose medication. But don’t let a psych push it on you so quick.

Explore your mind. Did you become depressed before or after you started failing your classes? If before, when was the first time that you can remember feeling depressed? Did it stem from something internal? What ever the reason this is a conflict that you must resolve within yourself.

But remember the most important thing is the connection. Love yourself so that you can connect with others and share this love. So what if you can’t sing or act. Who cares? Who says that those things are measures of a person’s worth? That’s ridiculous when you think about it right? You are special and amazing because you are you and nobody else is you. Nobody else is having your experience and sees life from your perspective. You are the center of the universe. We all are. It’s inherent of existing. Your vantage point matters a whole lot. That is why it’s important to stick it out here. I believe that Jesus is real. He showed the world what we are truly capable of when you can recognize the god in yourself.

Oh and trust that your sister will regret saying that to you a whole lot. Most likely in this life time. Forgive her. It only helps you in the end. But if there is nothing in the end, isn’t this still just an experience? It would make this the most important experience of your life. In which case there’s even more of a reason to make it as amazing as possible. I hope that helps at least a little. Good luck.

Selfish 1/30/2010 - 5:37 pm

One last thing. The friends that call you stupid because you’re having a hard time right now are insensitive and they just don’t understand whats going on right now. Forgive them too. But keep them at a distance. Keep real friends around. Even if it’s just one person. You don’t need people bringing you down more. But try lots of things. You’re bound to find something that you enjoy doing and that you do well. There are people who try to find what they enjoy doing but they don’t find it well into their thirties. Some never find it. But it’s the journey that counts not the destination. Just make sure you pick up some skills to sustain yourself. Your job is what you do not who you are. See a sunset from another part of the world. Peace.

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